herlucidlife

I was never in love with church boy yet I wanted the constellation prize of him searching for me thinking “where did she go?” I wish I could be a fly on the wall of your mind. You may think I’m a hypocrite for worshiping God with the same mouth that drinks alcohol. Sipping mind altering elixirs, getting loose in my bones the night went by like a dream. Struggling with sobriety pressuring myself into things, I do not regret spending time with my brother and best friend. Soft little nudges I give myself toward a little substance feeling like it’s okay in small quantities. But my spirit convicts me every time. I couldn’t drive home, we sat in the parking lot all night talking. My face was numb for hours after, it was the best memory to create with my person. My friend listened to the heart in my heart. The grief I share with Jesus, I shared with you. 

Not all are meant to understand or witness the season I’m in. Human in nature, don’t look at my feed for hypocritical behavior because you will find the proof. Don’t peruse my written life as an example of how to live better. Jesus is my example and I’m becoming better in Him every day in spite of the struggles I’m shaking off. No longer an everyday habit I see Him breaking the chain cycle. I binge consume every vice in my arsenal. Holed up in my house, sinking like depression on a Tuesday. I don’t own being clinically sad yet when I look over the behavior in the way I move, it’s the only logical explanation. 

Moving with brain fog, sitting peering into space, eyes tired from sleeping too much. Trying to shake back from a Saturday evening of partying with my friend, I didn’t get home till the next morning. It’s taking more than mental fortitude to deny anything in my flesh. She’s like a ravenous boar looking to intake anything in her path. A bottomless pit on the mind, I’m becoming the person where “one is too many.” One drink, one joint, one night…just to simply have one is not enough and my flesh knows the precursor to more is to simply ingest one. The severity must rise, the stacks must become heavier, and the behavior must become more risky for greed has no stopping point. I don’t like my struggles but I’d hate to wrestle with someone else’s. 

I put my whole heart on the screen because I need to prove to myself that I show up the most authentic at all times. Watching things from the side lines for too long can often make someone want to be the main player in their own fantasy. Heading toward dangerous territory I’ve been staring at the screen for too long. My mind is trying to find ways to make it real life. Self sabotage creeps in when there’s nothing else to cause demise but my own evil desires. I like to rush my healing like bad love making. No foreplay straight to the gritty, always left unfulfilled, nothing can be rushed when breaking cycles. Going through my process of becoming better I’m now seeing that holding onto stress is a learned behavior taught by self, it’s now second nature. 

“Fed up” is beginning to sink into my mind, full off my own illness of the heart.