herlucidlife

I wasn’t supposed to be away from the house tonight. Pocket books, collectors, and situations said otherwise. Crossing a personal and business boundary set by myself to feed greed. Like a fiend, looking for any resource that could grant the herbs I wanted. Counting over and over in my head, finally making a decision to spend a little craft financing. How is it that money got tighter after the raise? Sin creates barriers between God and I making it difficult to hear His voice. Writing has become difficult because I can’t hear the One who gives my words purpose. 

You wake me up every morning yet the first thing I reach for is not You. On repeat broken records, distracted moving slowly…gingerly if you will. I’ve been missing you. Daydreaming of our next meeting, how you’ll be taken aback by my beauty. Trying to gain you by my own beauty standards, it may not work. I’m so blocked off. Tired of saying, sharing, and carrying around the same struggles. Loathing regurgitating my hurt emotions when the actions are lacking in change. A slow process, perhaps I control the speed but then life happens and I think otherwise. Going too and fro, not looking between the lines, it’s been too long I finally have to acknowledge my own red flags. 

Stopping up the flow like mucus, too much thinking, too much proofing, too much needing to be corrected. My own worst enemy always thought wanting something was enough to commit. But want doesn’t turn into discipline or consistency without a deeper drive. Stepping on my own toes, I felt the knife pierce my heart because wanting Jesus isn’t enough  to stay committed to the Cause. Tip toeing into the gray area of life, every now and then I get caught up in who could be reading. Getting quiet too focused on sounding politically correct, nothing out of turn. 

I don’t recommend apologizing for who you are, do not follow my lead. Speak louder than life what you believe, use your gift to share the truth in your heart. Life is wonky right now, shades of gray over the eyes. My mind is always heavy in thought. So much to say with no drive, I was clogged. No desire to do what I love, holed up in this room with no windows missing sunlight. Sun on my face is healing, warming my heart as the rays hit my eyelashes. God knows He’s valued yet I struggle with making Him number One. Conflict within myself encounters every relationship, especially with God. Unresolved wounds, keeping my vision warped. Scales are slowly falling off as progression seeps in. 

Binging before a hiatus, not part of the routine, not necessity, you need to be cut off. Fruit is waiting to be grown, being pruned, breaking in the correct direction, painful but needed. Branches falling to the ground, meeting the fire kicking and screaming.