herlucidlife

So I think this guy from church likes me. Unfortunately, he has a boo thang with a wedding ring and three babies that call him daddy. Resembling a family man, I don’t recognize your breed. Filling my mind like termites to wood. I don’t want anything to do with you but flattery can make attention seem harmless until more is needed when the supply won’t suffice. Stuck in my mind since Sunday, I couldn’t shake how casually you said “we haven’t checked in…” we’ve never checked in. A little too comfortable, innocent action and conversation can seem natural until intent of the heart changes. Eyes glued to mine like brown in your eyes. They gave away your emotional feelings, nerves unsettled in your midst, butterflies in my stomach. My friend was right. 

Stumbling over my feet trying to get out the door. Caressing my twisted hair strands in between my fingertips in nervous sleepy energy. I found my way out of the classroom that housed only mine and your aura’s. On staff, working closely in small quarters at times. Inappropriately heavy, not escaping fast enough asking me the same question twice getting the same brushed off answer. I love how I made you feel while hating how you made me feel. Unwanted by me…taken by four beautiful souls. A true lover of flattery, boosting my ego in unhealthy ways. Troubled by your presence for years, doing well to keep my slight distance, maybe being featured on your creative platform was friendliness taken wrong. Not speaking for how you feel, something feels unsafe around you. 

Watching my own heart, suggestions burrowing into my psyche, looking more appetizing than before. Forgetting about anyone special I forgot how nice it was to not be mentally consumed by a significant other. Grateful you left my mind, I was becoming worried about my moral compass. No lust in my heart against you, nothing to guilt over so why do I feel blameworthy? Enjoying the passive flirting of a married man, scary to confess my body is running away from the thought. Off limits due to vows for his lady are firm. My friend has been tracking his behavior giving me a clue on what is going on. Clueless to any intent on his behalf I needed help unknowingly. Given guidance to steer clear, honestly I’m trying to give some benefit of the doubt. I just don’t believe it. 

Sliding into my dm’s a little too often a little too late at night for church member banter. A little too concerned, a little too much energy in my direction. Possibly jumping to conclusions, the proof was in the way you beamed into my eyes looking for something without speaking. You seem to have a question. Staying too long on the topic let’s move on before attention from anyone becomes okay.