herlucidlife

Getting used to the routines in my life that will eventually change for whatever reason. Wanting to get drunk to feel anything other than life, when did living become so numbing toxication feels needed? Full of sensations, mind altering tonics are only meant for those that have checked out mentally. Hear my cry in the background. I’ve been unwell for months, even years. So accustomed to saying “I’m good, I’m fine” I no longer share when I’m not anymore. Having to explain too much minutiae, it’s not worth the headache to be heard. Wanting to go under to the bottom, wanting it all to be over I don’t have the guts to create space for “curtain calls.” Bummed on the daily, I can feel the herb wanting to be factored in like a monthly subscription. 

Habitual, living in a sin cell with no guards just me, why haven’t I left this prison yet? Coming back around to check-in like a bad ex-boyfriend, roaches only die when killed with intention. Purpose in my soul is dwindling, treading lightly, careful what I ask for, I need some force. I don’t know what to say drawing a blank. God granted an increase in bi-weekly funds in order to keep up with inflation. Prices on the rise, money sliding through the fingers like sand. Rewarded for my hard work from the past couple weeks, monetary gain is always welcomed in this home. Looking forward to taking care of some monthly responsibilities that were missed. I don’t want to talk about issues, mental health awareness is a lifestyle in my abode. 

A mangled mind is the most treasured companion. She ducks and dips low only to cry and laugh through the uncertainty of life. Faith has never left my heart, nothing more valuable in my possession but hope in Jesus. He grants value and worth, worn like crowns I could never obtain Me on my own.  Looking at my thorn all wrong, so focused on the effect of temptation, sin is running rampant because I’ve not paid attention to the cause. Temptation is the thorn not sin, though it can create a deadly poison called sin. Never looking at my triggers, I live life as though the trigger is me. How do I avoid something that is a part of me? Sometimes I feel God telling me to let everything go, not just big things but the small things too. The small details that are overlooked hand those over too. 

I’ve felt Him for some time whispering to me, “I want to make you a blank slate.” I can cope with healthier tools from God based on His Word. Not looking to remove temptation rather He wants to change how I cope with temptation and ultimately sin. I truly believe the same power living in Jesus is in me. I can overcome temptation though very difficult meaning I can also overcome sin. God’s grace is sufficient to grant a way out, He grants freedom from sins’ presence. Whining about being free from a cycle of sin while God is literally showing me the thing I cry about. Not paying attention, worth it never perfect…do I really want it? Every sin leads me from God no matter how small, every action beginning with a thought. 

A thought is temptation processing an evil desire, a God given way out every time though granting grace and mercy when the flesh is stronger in us. Freedom is not easy to obtain, not waiting for any random person to take. Our freedom was bought at a high price, Jesus’ blood. Some fight tooth and nail to just believe while we all fight against ourselves everyday to live for Him.