herlucidlife

Feeling God chasing after me, convicting my spirit. Satan would like me to think I’m further gone, that somehow God can no longer or no longer wants to reach me. Farthest from the truth, all lies. Not only am I reachable but God already has His hand on me. Refusing sin is impossible with a weak and dehydrated spirit. Brittle, creating dust on impact I need the Word to gain strength for demolition. Sometimes questioning can reveal doubt. Satan wants me to question my union with God to create a wedge of doubt. I’ve carefully considered my stance in His family and every single time God whispers, “you are My daughter.” 

Scrolling through Meta, I came across a video that sent conviction down my spine. Awakening my spirit, I felt her drop in grievance toward the lack of attention given to the Father. This narration reminded me that lack of connection with God can allow my spirit to become so dehydrated that I would essentially no longer be able to feel or hear God. Reminded that it is possible to walk from underneath God’s umbrella, for the first time in a while I felt a sense of urgency in my gut. Regardless of it all I truly believe God and Jesus have wiped my sins away. More so my mind continues to keep doors open God has commanded be shut. Wedging pathways open, leaving my spirit unguarded. She’s always the first to get hurt. Starving myself on purpose without consciousness, I crave God’s language like a baby to breast milk. Myself standing in the way slowing my steps toward God, yearning to be fully obedient. 

Am I scared? Galatians chapter five states those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh along with its passions and desires. There’s a mental disconnect. Not giving up slow to get the hint, programming is still under way. When Jesus defeated all my sins my new self rose with Him. Picking up my cross daily means to choose obedience. Actively pursuing him through action, a verb to move. Struggling to put pen to paper, folded up sitting on a wooden chair head seconds from hitting the bathroom countertop bobbing and weaving. Mind going REM with each eye blinking closed. Weakness in my body, weary pupils rolling back into the socket in sleepy fashion. Sedation via marijuana and a space heater in the middle of Texas June. It gets cold in this four by six bathroom. 

Calculating to the decimal point, driving cautiously to meet my dealer. No extra funds, no rainy day cash…is this what walking by faith looks like? Emergencies beginning to rise, things that would normally be taken care of with a savings account. God will provide in due time not worried I keep walking ahead as my biggest concern is not being well financially but spiritually. Everyday I wake up thinking of how I’m going to care for my ailing mind. Just four year ago my biggest stressors were providing funds to achieve a simple lifestyle free of frills. No longer looking or worried about financing God has proven He will provide at all times. Not looking for the specific ways He works so mysteriously, I only look for His hand to be moving in my direction. 

Covered, giving help in the midst of struggles. Fitting back tears sitting in the parking lot waiting for my dealer to arrive, it baffles me to think that perhaps God granted this specific thorn to remind me of the grandness and vastness of His love that even still in my carelessness His love is effortless and unmatched. Never running dry, never weary after twenty-eight years I’m still trying to fathom and push into my mind how God the Creator of absolutely everything would look low and say… “I want the being with an out of order sign on their soul.” Nothing special under this skin, it’s really all Jesus that makes me sparkle in the sun. It’s His majesty over my life that makes the coils on my head seem so shiny they’re glittered. Unexplainable… I don’t own it, I don’t deserve it but anyway I wear the mark of God with humility and honor.