herlucidlife

Overwhelmed, head tight wanting to burst from the excitement of life. Nothing but the circus in my head has come to town. Belief embodies everything in life. Belief stretches the mind for growth, it can also hinder the mind from elasticity causing stagnation. Belief is your moral compass, the values holding true to your heart are birthed from the beliefs taught to us from childhood and reinforced or changed through life experiences. Faith in God fuels every aspect of my life. It curates the relationships I have, including the one with myself. As to love God is to love myself. To trust God is to trust myself. Looking at God is to see my soul clearer. God and myself are not separate; we are in the same boat. Meaning without God I can not love myself properly. 

A disservice to the spirit is to separate oneself from the Creator leaving room for discontentment. We as people have become so used to living without God that we don’t realize that a part of us essentially is missing. Without God there’s a side of us that will never hit the sun, that will never be seen dancing in the streets. There’s something that will be forever broken when the mind puts God in a box thinking He is separate from everything when in reality He is everything. When God is brought in every little detail is made right and put in place as it should be. His arrival in my life means every relationship, every task, every food item I put in my mouth, every thought crossing my path, every minute crevice of life is dependent upon God. Though if you don’t believe, I hate to burst your bubble but God is sustaining you even still because He controls all things.

Backing away from people, family and friends. Not feeling a sense of loneliness this time yearning for a moment of quiet. Stillness, not being pulled in different directions, separating myself to get back into fullness. Something in me feels depleted, dry, crusted over into stale. Tired, exhausted, drained, needing a moment of peace to get back on a routine that cultivates and supports a healthy spirit. Been talking to myself all night and day in my head, nothing coming out of the mouth, now that I’m here the words have stopped coming. Sick in the head, down to my last three dollars going a week on grace alone. Irresponsible with the blessings, feelings of Satan trying to take what God gave is tougher than ever. 

Going back and forth in my head. Peer pressuring myself into darkness, into things and substances I don’t want to try. Soul crushing I make valley ways wide enough for everything Satan would need to trip me up to slide right through with ease, while when God commands something He gets the excuse, the “I can’t…for whatever reason.” First Peter chapter five verse nine clearly states to resist the devil and stand firm in faith. Quivering every single time, falling short like I never jumped running to the substance like it wiped away my sins. Holding too much weight in my head, not stressing over it doesn’t help nor does talking it out with others. 

I’m learning that maybe the best remedy for healing isn’t talking but action. Talking has done nothing but fill my head with words I’d rather forget, while actions move me closer to the healed girl I want to be. So I walk expecting to meet the person God wants me to be because I will stand firm, resisting the devil and this time I’ll fight with the Word of God and not with my own weak mental fortitude. 

I’m so tired already.