herlucidlife

Contrary to my belief I had a lot to say. It’s been a hard week, days of my face not lifting to a smile, days of me forcing myself to do anything other than inhale marijuana. The thought of possibly having another day like today is crippling. Have you ever been so full in the head that encouraging words won’t fit? This may sound ugly but irritation creeps in the midst when kind words of  “keep going it’ll get easier” are shoved my way. Rushing to aid the wounded, no type of sadness is allowed to enter because some walk around as though if one frown comes across their face then just maybe something dark will pull them down further never to return. 

Speaking from personal experience, it’s okay to be sad and not want others to prop you up. It’s alright to want to be left alone. Forcing happiness down the throat like a mask on the face is more detrimental than simply feeling and then allowing the days to create a space where that feeling no longer exists. Know yourself better than anyone else, care for yourself better than any human could. Excessive sadness is very different then moments of sadness, understand which place you are in and move accordingly giving yourself permission to seek the healthy help you need.  Don’t be afraid to feel every emotion ugly or not, strength doesn’t come from pretending but being true to yourself and granting yourself what is needed for healing is the option I’ve allowed myself to accept. 

I live a slightly isolated life, living alone, in my own company most of the time. I look for spaces where quietness doesn’t include other people. Contrary to the Word, God created every human for community yet sometimes I feel better without the community. Speaking carefully because I know deep down if God were to remove family and friends I wouldn’t be okay. Yet if it were in His will then I’d be safer in His grasp than in theirs. I realized a long time ago that words are relative and most people speak from a place of their own experience, pain, and oftentimes fear of losing the person they are consoling. Suicide is real and most people are walking around fearful of losing any more people in their lives so they run around trying to save everybody hoping to hold onto anyone. Not the responsibility of others to save, really we’re only called to love and the rest is out of our control. Meaning every piece of advice should be taken with kindness and a grain of salt because only one person on this earth knows the full story…you. 

While others run to a friend or family member when in pain, I run into myself looking for the Holy Spirit deep within to help me the most. Not looking towards other humans who have just as much baggage as I, I’d rather go to the Source of all the One who is able to carry every burden. Not feeling better after talking it out with others rather it pushes me toward the very thing I wanted to get away from. The mind playing tricks on me she is warped from years of grief, unfortunately I’m not the only one. Hearing “don’t worry about your addictive habit it will pass when God wants it too,” feels like the lie believers tell themselves when they don’t want to do the hard work of giving up that which God has already deemed unacceptable in His eyes. 

Why wait for God to move something when He’s already commanded action from the beginning through His Word? Rather it seems God is waiting for me to move in the correct direction so can He opens more doors to healing thus closing those doors I’m walking out of. Not bitter, not upset, genuinely grateful for every single person in my corner…I apologize in advance if I run away from you it’s not intentional I just really like being alone.