herlucidlife

I wanted to see if you were okay but something stopped me before I could make a fool of myself. Thinking too much, talking myself out of the act. Seven months since we last talked, heated to the top full of anger towards you, I let you have words I wish I would’ve kept. Embarrassed by how I acted, hurt with how you treated me. Missing nothing since your departure. You creep into my mind often, waiting for you to come around the corner. Growth is being formed on my end, wanting to be better than before. 

I asked God what I should do…He was quiet so maybe I should do nothing. Asked to leave my life for a reason, trying to remove yourself before being invited perhaps leaving sleeping dogs lie is the best. I never say I miss you because I don’t. The feeling of being in love has faded to simple love. Love of wanting you to be well, whole, and healthy on all levels. Heavy on my soul I’ve prayed over you this week, most times you find your way into my heart so Jesus can hear another request on your behalf. 

No clue what you carry on a daily, how do you tell someone you’re there for them when you’re not sure that person wants to hear from you? Is it safe to open a closed door? But why would you trust me when I walked out like so many others, rather I was pushed out but that’s neither here nor there. Just shut, not locked. Hoping the feeling passes part of the healing process is wanting to carry people with me that should really be left alone. I’m not sure. To speak or not to speak, either decision is difficult. Waiting for more healing, busying myself while waiting for you. My best friend at one time, friendships are romantic tying souls together without physical touch. Emotionally and spiritually connected, witnessing the worst and best of each other. 

Too far out of my comfort zone, I’ll wait a little longer hopefully the urge fades. Wanting to move on through this life unscathed, not acting foolishly. Staying in my place, over in my lane I never tried to contact you. Just a weighted thought I carried around all day. Uttering your name to Jesus is like sipping on honey. Whispering life over your being and family is like healing from the wounds you created. Deep in my heart I can sense something is amiss. Not on my mind just cause, for a reason I would hope life wouldn’t torture me for funny laughs. 

It’s okay to still love you. I won’t always be here feeling stuck in my emotions. My Father’s clay jar molding me into a different creature, someone new. Hazel taught me Jesus. Haze loved me into God’s hands. Beauty lies in my inner being, but He will give me rest when weary and ugly. Na, my inner child loves to toil with the idea of you so sweet you linger like summer flowers in the breeze. Would you believe me if I told you I’m better now than before?