herlucidlife

Almost a year under my belt since you moved out. Almost a year since I told you I loved someone else. Almost a year since I told you I fell in love, just to then lose a friend who never played for keeps. It doesn’t feel like much healing has happened but then I look back and see God moved mountains just so I could be okay. He killed dreams with you so He could birth worthy visions filled with purpose and life for Him. On my mind like love for you hasn’t left. Venting to God for comfort, not taken out of the gutter rather He gives me strength to walk through the mud. 

Almost called a friend to talk but no one wants to hear about a hole that seems to never close for you. No one wants to hear the tears of another, having left my side not wanting to be a part of my life. Seems there’s nothing to talk about. All in my head delusional about the past care you gave, so I stayed the course and busied myself. Singing my heart out in the house, creating with my hands caring for something other than myself. Plant babies got the attention I wanted to give you. 

Tired of the rigamarole, not easy shutting the mind off talking too much, she never shuts up. Only quiet in prayer when the Holy Spirit is speaking, so much going on in the world being full with you seems stupid. Not good at letting go, time has taken away those that once held my heart. Getting through another day by the grace of God, He gave me more strength. Determined to heal, to be better I refuse to stand in my own way and if that means keeping my distance then I will. Disobedience creates detours in the road that would’ve otherwise been left out. I don’t want to derail my growth by having to address disobedience and its consequences, when I can stay the course and simply work while being patient for my breakthrough. 

I would have to step outside of God’s boundaries to entertain you. I would need to halt my growth in order to look backward. God only works in the forward, commanding me to leave things in the past alone. Going over old events in my head, headed down the road to the laundromat while the hardware at the house is out of order. It hit me that maybe you’ve chosen to not speak to me, that just maybe you noticed a long time ago that you’d been unblocked. A hard pill to swallow that maybe you don’t want to be in my presence. Stopping myself from being in yours, another thought hit me, that maybe speaking to each other is too difficult. 

Just maybe you’re stuck in the “what ifs” and they’ve paralyzed any action out of your body. Or maybe you’re wanting to move on like me, wanting to leave it all in the past, sifting forward leaving people behind that serve no purpose to who you are trying to be. No longer on the same wavelength, stifled when we last spoke. I don’t even remember the context of the conversation because really it was me going off and you being silent. Once again, why is it so hard to let go of those that clearly don’t care?