herlucidlife

Too scared to ask the question, “is it a sin to get a divorce because I was in love with another man?” during the Question and Answer portion of class. Knowing deep down because conviction speaks louder than words rather God would have confirmed what I already knew. Yet, I am thankful that even that sin of loving another, not doing right by the other, and divorcing died on the cross with Him. Repenting never to do what I’ve done again, I strive to be the person that commits acts pleasing to God’s sight. Still hurt in my heart, not shameful yet I regret with full remorse the actions I committed. 

Though not always living by scripture it’s never too late to turn a new leaf and walk according to His Word. Learning, molding, correcting for His glory and for my transformation all praise can and will be given to Him. Not fully where I need to be I see roads that I never want to cross again, actions I never want to commit again. Never is a strong word and we people are afraid of the absoluteness of that word but somethings need to have never attached. Never is possible with God by my side. Not wanting to be the same, yearning to be completely different in almost every aspect. I need God to change everything that isn’t like Him. Cut out any disobedience, rebellion, and stiff-neckedness out of my being. 

Head hurting from thinking of you too much. Too soon, speaking too fast, nothing has been removed from my mind except for the sanity I once had. Moving in zombie like fashion, moving against the emotions in my heart. I’m scared of the outcome. Fearful of rejection, of the other cold shoulder. I don’t think I could handle the slapping of the other cheek. Too many what ifs in the head, I couldn’t populate your door, something holding me back every time. I would want to talk to me, I would want me to come say something…anything. Locked jaw, no words coming out stuck in the head only. Written on paper the emotional toll. No funds left for the fee on my mental. 

Why is reality so hard to accept? Listening to your music helped snap me back into physical existence. I needed to know I meant nothing to you so I can move on. It’s necessary to hear that no trace of me has landed in your song, hearing my love meant nothing to you. Of no importance to your life whatsoever, not hurt simply eyes opened. Thank you for not caring, for leaving the distance in the air. Something comforting about not being able to penetrate your heart, already to hurt in your own right. I will take the necessary time to leave my emotions in the trash, not forcing myself to move faster than needed. Waiting is foolish, detrimental to the healing, to letting go. 

I’m worth missing. Valuable enough to be wanted genuinely. Thank God I want everything I have to offer and so do others. Your lack of love and attention has never canceled out the love and care I receive from myself and those around me. Beauty radiates from the inside out and if you can’t see it then you must be blind. Scales on your eyes, I no longer worry myself about your vision problem. 

Letting go with a smile, too in pain for your own good…thank you for not being soft hearted toward me.