herlucidlife

Feeling my body grapple with illness. Disease under the skin, new territory trusting God through the process. I don’t like the feeling of being unwell. Detoxing from certain foods, the world, people, life as I would’ve known had to be put on pause. In the walls of my home, expressing to myself the yearning for romantic affection. It’s not cut and dry allowing love to come into my life. Standoffish, moody, gut twisted into an unsettled feeling. I have no clue how it feels to be settled in the presence of a man that is not a friend or family member. Usually feeling unwanted and unloved, watching television shows that mimic a love that I lost. Rather it seems it was never had.

Thinking I’m ready for the one, my heart feels broken as though love doesn’t last forever just for a moment in time. So why want something so bad that could end abruptly? Losing faith in love being brought my way, it’s only been a short while, yet the experience I’ve had has been brought on by my own lack of well doing. Mind warped, can I still have faith in God but not in love? Perhaps too soon to tell, still remodeling my soul for His living quarters. He needs more room in my life to grow and be. Rambling on the truth is I want soft lips on mine, a strong chest to lay my head on, a warm soul to attach my spirit too. 

The love I felt was so long ago, looking back it doesn’t seem a part of my life anymore. A distant memory, fading into fragments that no longer hold meaning. Falling out of love with love a long time ago,  I’m forgetting how it feels to be wanted and to want the other. When did loving myself not feel like enough? Pity party for one, deep in my emotional baggage, not forcing the road ahead. I got some things I need to let go of before they destroy the person God has for me. I truly believe He will not send a blessing my way to be messed over or treated wrongly. Rather He will keep the gift at bay until He sees I am ready for the prize. 

Until then I’ll sit patiently waiting my turn because Lord knows there’s a lot of work to be done.