herlucidlife

I sounded ignorant, ugly and immature. Going in on the girl from work, I don’t like her behavior yet it did not warrant my back handed comments behind her back that had nothing to do with her work ethic. Not liking who came out in your presence for some reason in the moment I felt okay saying what I said, even though I could hear the uneducated speech. I couldn’t shut it off. Wanting to crawl in a hole, I never want to be that way or speak of another in that way. Holding me accountable for what I said I disliked who I was portraying. Can’t take back what I said but I can definitely make sure it never crosses my lips again. 

Perturbed by her motives, nothing had to do with her hair or nationality or the group of people she belongs to yet it was brought into the ring like it held weight in the way she blames me for things in the workplace. Having nothing to do with my plate of work. Being called a hater by my ex-husband, it struck a nerve because I was also disgusted with myself. Once again looking like a fool in his face, I never fail to look stupid around him. Not well put together on a good day, I just mask the incompetence well. Knowing when to hold my tongue I let it fly perhaps too comfortable around you. It had been months since we last spoke in person. 

I remember one of the reasons I wanted to leave, something in me always felt distasteful in your presence like I couldn’t shut off the manure coming from my mouth. A week has passed and I still regret every word, every ugly phrase, every judgmental thing I said. Already in me to begin with I look at myself with torment because I would never want someone to say those things about me, whether I knew about it or not. Working on the negative thoughts in my head and the words that come out of my mouth even in private settings I want to mimic Jesus. Obviously doing poorly I have nothing to blame it on but myself. 

I notice that when God helps me put other sins on the shelf, those sins that are more inward are shown. It’s easy to focus on smoking weed and drinking heavily, or masturbating and watching porn but it’s the negative thoughts towards others that are harder to fix. It’s the judgmental thinking towards those not like me that are more difficult to change, it takes more compassion to view someone as Christ views me, especially my enemy. As I move towards God the more I see how much I’m not like Him and it grieves my heart. Yet I’m grateful in knowing that He loves me anyway, convicts my spirit for change, and never wants to leave me in the wretched state I currently reside in. 

So I keep pressing forward, to be better because I know in the end He will not leave me ugly.