herlucidlife

Down and out for a week recovering from the disease that shut the world down. Coming out on the backend of this illness thank God it wasn’t as horrible as it could’ve been. Moving around the house, not over exerting my will to move. Things got done, my spirits were lifted. I was singing, dancing and laughing around the house. Something that hadn’t happened in weeks. Not my usual self, I came down the street with your face on it again. I don’t miss you but I hope you miss me. What good would it do to say I still love you? What sense would it make to leave any sort of love offering at your door? Irrational to the core, I keep my distance like the plague you’re no good for me. J, I anticipate your arrival like bad reality t.v. I look for the carriage ride that brings you to my front door like a child waiting on Santa Clause. 

Nothing has materialized yet. I throw away guys like you so why do I wait for you? Misunderstood still making excuses for the person you are, reality takes a while to set in when the heart is involved. Detrimental, gaslighting as its finest, unfortunately hurt is still in my heart a year later. I don’t think highly of you anymore. I don’t look at myself with honor or pride. I simply see someone that needs help, needs betterment, that needs Jesus. Poor in spirit I’ve done nothing to brag about, all given by the Most High. Lowly, undeserving I see something that is broken but being mended. Not enough time has passed to unsee your face. Not enough hours have ticked by to unfeel the heartache. Not enough life has occurred to erase you from my memory… from my nightly dreams.

I guess some things just don’t fade. Rather I occupy my mind and soul, distracted staying busy because if I stop I’ll fall back into the hole that loves to bring death to my face. I’ll fall into that excruciating space that loves to hold old memories near like they live forever…they don’t. I can barely remember the happy memories of my mother while the hurt you caused is so vivid it brings tears to my eyes. Thankfully I see her face so crystal clear in my dreams while your face is a blur when unconscious. I don’t always understand what comes out on this page. Emotional at all times, dark and heavy most days, even happiness carries grief. Feeling the pressure behind my eyes wanting to create water. 

I don’t like you but I love you. I don’t miss you but I long to hear your voice as it makes my stomach want to regurgitate. I can’t see you but I look for you through our friends, they never mention you. Wiped off the earth, I suppose I hope you’re okay. I try not to think of you, it just makes me sad and honestly I’m still angry but God will heal that too. Going on with life because I have too, not able to sit and weep for too long. The bills have to get paid somehow…right?