herlucidlife

I fight back tears, sometimes it seems pointless to cry. It doesn’t change the situation or circumstance. But then I have to release because the pain behind my eyes gets too much to bear and I let them flow. Not looking for anyone to understand, regardless of the account I enjoy every moment of her floating being appearing to me in hallucinations.  Not always herself, she’ll never be who I need again. I miss those days of comfort and home. I told her I missed her in my dark room but she didn’t answer. I told her I loved her but I got no reply. In my dark state, no one was there in that realm, just me and my heartache. 

Lonely, scary to think that perhaps she would have answered back. Maybe she misses me too and is the reason she visits me in the only way she can. I’m not sure and sometimes I think does it even really matter. She’s gone and I’m here and life is only what God commands it to be. So I stop looking for meaning because I don’t understand and I just don’t see the meaning in seeking understanding. Maybe it’s as simple as healing is still occurring and until it runs the course she will be with me in the dream realm. Speaking to me and acting in ways she would’ve never behaved when on this side, sometimes I’m not sure that’s even my mother or it’s a portrayal of the baggage I carry within myself. 

Tormented, walking around like a bruised animal. I don’t speak of the hurt in my heart out loud because it doesn’t seem to help anything. Frustration with God looks like worshiping Him despite how I feel. Anger with Him is coming to His feet looking for saving even though I’m not sure of His plan. Irritation seems to propel me to His hand because I have nothing else without Him. Even in my darkest He’s never left, never forsaken, never once raised His voice in anger at my hurt heart. He’s loved me through every tear stained pillow. Even in my pain, His graciousness has saved my life gratitude for His ever moving Hand. I can’t say enough but thank you still for being more than my Father but my Savior as well.