herlucidlife

Emotions and feelings have not been reflecting the reality I live in everyday. Gray, heavy, solemn in the heart; reality is bright, busy and running forward towards the light of new beginnings. Asking hard questions of myself, no longer accepting generic one line responses to my trauma. Popped back into two-thousand and eleven, revisited my old high school head coach and teammates. Retiring after sixteen years of dedicated service to the gymnastics team, we gathered in our hometown. Uncomfortable at the festivities, I gave myself permission to leave early. Sometimes going backwards serves no purpose even when the blood is still good between the two. 

I’ve been noticing how life is shifting quickly. Stuck in the way I view myself, I haven’t grown up. Sitting in my office for the first time in a couple of weeks, my Bible in tow. I noticed, I’ve outgrown myself and who I used to be including some of the people. Habits that were formed then are no longer helpful for where I’m wanting to go. I had talked down on myself not too long ago, hurting my feelings. I began to believe the lies. On the couch slipping into the dark corners of my mind, I realized recently my emotional state rarely ever reflects reality. Dreaming of you, I had to call brother to help snap back into a healthy space. Friend, reminded me to check every emotional box before coming to your door, after talking it over I decided to leave you be. 

Hearing you’re dating now, really I have no care for your well being or what you have going on, it has nothing to do with me. Having left that dark place, no longer housed in that arena, usually it seemed like my mind would get the hint and move on. Yet, these last several years have changed me to the point where my mind is constantly in a place of sadness and if I don’t remind myself to be present in the upward season God has placed me in I could potentially ruin a time of mental rest and exploration. It hit me that I don’t really understand this version of myself very well. I love her deeply though my actions do not always portray it because I don’t recognize what I need. 

The basics of eating healthy, moving my body, and reading my Bible come to mind..but is that enough? I tend to get annoyed and irritated when a man comes to my area with lack of intent, yet I’ve not become tired of the insufficient intent I put toward myself. Learning this girl, talking to myself way too much in the head, the thoughts that come out about others and myself are disgusting at best. How can I view this world in a healthy way when thoughts of myself are ugly? I’ve felt grotesque, down trotted, and unappealing, it is taking work just to simply talk to myself in a positive way. Speaking life over every situation it seems another habit became a part of me over the years…negative language wrapped in sabotage.