herlucidlife

Considering what self-love looks like it’s different for everyone. Pondering over the small behaviors and habits that reflect the love I have inside, a good portion of these actions seem more like sabotage. The old self is in the way not wanting to let go easily, she likes to whisper lies, deceit, twisted into a bowl of goodness trying to make trash smell like roses. Sipping on liquor without having had a full glass of water all day yet I managed to finish the carton I bought from the store…sabotage. Mentally I’ve categorized certain acts in my mind as toxic, my body has deemed certain habits as detrimental, and my soul has seen some behaviors as sinful. 

Life is not supposed to be the same, change is forever present whether noticed or not. More so I want my mind to always be present of the change that is happening in order for my emotional state to keep up. Mentally I’m stuck in the death of twenty sixteen toggling between the divorce of twenty twenty-one. Tragedy and lack have been swirling in my mind while trying to remind myself of the abundance I live in everyday, the abundance I am attached to spiritually and physically. I try my best to choose gratitude over complaining. 

Waking up everyday with a small prayer of thankfulness, I need more than that to keep away dark thoughts. God has put in my control to be exactly who He wants me to be through decisions and choices. Deviating from the plan has left me raggedy. God has set the path but He will not wrestle me down to the ground forcing me to choose His way. Rather He will be patient until I decide to choose His path for myself. Getting closer and closer to that goal with every inching day, I’m internalizing that making intentional decisions that operate in God’s wheelhouse literally saves my life. 

God is giving me space to work alongside Him in saving my life since He’s already saved my soul. Making choices that bring me closer to Him thus transformation being activated. Ingesting individuals that give tools on how to live life more intimately with self, God is placing people in my way to take healthy habits from their life. Learning how to focus on only healthy, helpful thoughts, not every word this brain conjures up needs attention. I am not what I think but I am who God called me to be. Embracing her means to act how she would even if it feels unnatural at first eventually it will be breath to my lungs. I can never become something new if I never do that new thing. 

More than words, more than thoughts, more than bad actions I’m still understanding how God sees me but either way I’m slightly enjoying the road because let’s be real…it’s painful, not easy but worth every step.