herlucidlife

My emotional state is a voice, a decision to see things either as they are or differently. Wrestling with updating the mental operation of my brain, it’s becoming easier to pull myself out of the gutter. Sulking for a year nothing changed what happened in the past. Tears didn’t alter the divorce status. Wallowing didn’t shift the hurt out of my heart from the pain I caused you. Darkness couldn’t budge the torment my heart felt watching a “friend” walk away. Yet, that time of sadness was needed to grip with newness, change is happening and though I may not be deserving I am very much grateful. 

Telling myself I “deserve” something is difficult because really I earned death for my sins. God has granted me grace and mercy holding me from what I’ve earned. Yet since giving my life to Christ doesn’t that make me deserving of the blessings and love He grants me everyday? Being a child to a parent allows for that child to be worthy of nurturing and love. So perhaps I am deserving of God’s love because He crowned my head when every sin said I should be thrown away. I hope every hurt soul understands that they are me, and I was once them. This love is not just exclusive to me but we all can have that love. 

It can be difficult finding people that know your past but will look beyond it for the changes you’ve made. Working on oneself is a never ending road and it’s a blessing when those that have known you come alongside to say they don’t hold any past against you, but genuinely love the being you are today. Jesus is that being, yet He is looked over often in this world. A relationship regardless of our past, sincere to the core, no smoke screen, God does so we can be with Him. Discipleship looks like reading my word on the Bible app stuck in the bathroom smoking, finally giving myself permission to waft around the house. I inhale and exhale all over my home because it’s mine and then I say a prayer. 

Realness seeps into my lungs every time a song comes on that reminds me of you. Her laugh, with cheeks that seemed so rosy under smooth chocolate brown skin. My trustworthy buddy, roll dawg in the night, thick as thieves, stronger than a bond between mother and daughter, she is my soul sister. I’m more like her than I could realize…then I come back to myself and God speaks to me daily letting me know I’m on the correct path, thus He’s allowed me to be a saint and disciple for Him. Been smoking for some weeks sinking into a dark hole when vapors come into my home. Watching other regular folk like myself live lives I’m still dreaming of, I know God has grandness in my story too. Gratitude still fills my heart when I know how good it feels to step into my home, take a hot shower and unwind from the day in a safe, clean space. Nothing can be more grand than that.