herlucidlife

Began talking to this guy I cheered with in college. As a new freshman he was captain of the team. Initially coming into my midst with a certain type of authority, I noticed I still had him up there after all these years of adulthood. Finding attraction with me years ago it took me a while to come around to him. Nervous to speak with another human, now here looking at each other face to face, intimidation has set in. Traveling all over the globe, doing things he’s worked hard for. Living life seemingly financially free, experiencing different cultures for the first time, touching humanities and lifestyles only dreamt of…I feel too small for him. 

Going too far in my head, putting too much pressure on the situation. I’m not good at not walking down the aisle with a man on the first date, we’ve already married and had kids, it’s not healthy yet my mind does it like a regular menstrual cycle. On time, never late like clockwork my brain dreams up fairy tales the good witch of the north couldn’t uphold. Concrete, too intense, further aggravating the sensation that I may not be enough for him. Though I know I’m enough for any person, almost too much for myself yet I handle my own weight with ease. 

Looking over my life, allowing the assumption to assume that what God has done through me isn’t enough for this person. After typing it out, absurd. Of course God’s blessings are more than enough for any human and if it’s not then I need to move aside. On the fence about mister right now, having already gone through a relationship with someone who did not want to have an intimate relationship with the Lord. Seems I’m at a similar door, though this person is willing I’m not sure the road is meant for me. Not sensing a weird tugging in my gut, perhaps I’m too focused on keeping my sanity. 

Getting into the thick of life with Jesus, it warms my heart His constant presence. When life brings things I don’t like, when the seas shift and shake, the winds blow bringing and taking loved ones yet with every wave of His hand God has never let my heart go. This year alone almost broke me, the last several years would’ve killed me without God holding me up. Carrying me like a Shepherd toting His wounded sheep, I’m slung around His neck in safety. Repair is in order, it’s time to begin rehab walking more, taking flight on passions He gave me. I have some seeds planted, sprouts are forming, watching my baby crawl God is giving me ideas on how to begin walking. 

Investing into the gifts God has given me is the assignment. Breath is a gift, how have I used my lungs to glorify God today? What experiences did I breathe through that allowed me to bless someone else? Blessed to blink, to scratch, to hear the Lofi beats I adore so much. Thinking about living in its totality is too much for the heart to bear. Pondering on only this moment is enough for my brain. And this moment here is just fine.