herlucidlife

The substitute never hits like the real thing. The fill in should never be invited because it’s never enough. I’ve always internalized that how someone lives their life should never dictate how I choose to live mine, so why am I suddenly feeling like I’m not living enough? I’ve already shared my feelings of not being enough, seems to have really struck a cord because it’s coming up again. Trying to rationalize the feeling in my mind, knowing it doesn’t equate to reality for if I weren’t enough he wouldn’t be trying to show affection. Allowing myself to be taken advantage of in the past, I’m fearful the signs are the same yet more grand so they seem camouflaged. 

Dry to lite conversation not sure how to make it moist, perhaps it’s simply not being in that person’s face that makes the feeling seem unworthy of my energy. Giving a shot for emotions sake, something wouldn’t let me rest without shooting my shot seeing where it would land. There’s something here that needs to be resolved, put to bed perhaps. I don’t like starting a relationship with the notion that it could end because usually it does. I don’t want another to end. I don’t want us to feel heartbreak. I simply want to be without thinking that something different or “better” could be around the corner. My discernment would be better had I been in my word. 

Not nice to kick when already on the floor. God always gives more than what’s expected, is love giving more than what was asked? I want a love that is spiritually grounding, mentally safe, and physically well to our beings. Not one sided, I struggle with not halting the day when you cross my mind. Afraid of being cheated on because I was once the cheater and the cheatee, monogamy doesn’t feel safe anymore. Sleeping more than usual, smoking more than needed, sipping more than called for…my mind is looking for another distraction from life, we may have found a “live” being to attach the boredom my mind feels with life. 

Always something to think about, lately the topic of choice has been running away from anything taking too much effort. A small voice in my head always comes at the onset of trauma, granting me a timeline of deliverance. Not one day later, five years after mom died, I immediately felt a vague lightness when looking at her death…full of sadness to suppressed sadness; the difference is I no longer wish to end my life just to be with her. One year after my divorce, a quiet feeling of discovering the love of my life, not a moment later he caught my eye and at the first FaceTime call I felt in my gut…this is it. Dating is no fun, the end goal is a fairytale forever happily ever after…none of that exists but real life. 

Seems fear gets in the way when embarking on anything new. Impatience sinks its teeth into my heart, wanting to move past uncertainty. Always felt a “title” or “defining the relationship” would bring a sense of security but I know all too well that no heavenly legally binding document can keep someone that doesn’t want to stay. Walking around with low confidence it’s going to take a lot more than a man showing interest to love myself. My responsibility to build up esteem, learning to trust myself again. I’m not sure nonchalant and intention can live in the same body.