herlucidlife

Buying weed for the second time this week, I’m sick of seeing my dealer. Not buddies yet I text her more than family and friends. Purposely buying small quantities at one time giving myself the chance to stop at any moment. Today was stop day, scrapping my grinder knowing nothing was in there, smoking the kiefy crumbs. Any inhale is better than none. Sleeping for most of the day I could tell my mental health was low. Scrapped off the couch, finding myself outside at the park looking at trees that whisper the good grandness of God. 

Sitting with thoughts of leaving this earth, folded up with thoughts of you. Not looking for new friends though not closed off to the idea of companionship. Looking for something that is super heavy in romantic love. I don’t see friendship coming into my midst. Why would it when I don’t attract friends but suitors? I never saw you as a friend but an acquaintance that wanted to be more, companionship at this stage in life has to be intentionally developed or nothing will grow. 

Half way through the bottle, Pastor was right, no peace sits at the bottom, just the very feeling I didn’t want. No feeling in my face, something feels different tonight like just perhaps I can make it through tomorrow with nothing in my system. Not turning to the true solution, Jesus is waiting for me to choose Him. The art of listening is something I learn daily, unfortunately I get my voice and God’s confused. It takes two seconds, nanoseconds really for me to fall in love. Not sure if it’s a super power or a debilitating sickness…whichever I’m using it to my benefit, I hope anyway. I love you already, knowing only moments of your life nothing else really matters…perhaps delusional don’t twist your face at my heart beating out of its chest. 

Emotions full in my bosom, I don’t share them with you, what if it scares you away? Being heavy too soon isn’t looked highly upon. Using liquid courage to speak recklessly to you because any other time I’m too in my head to speak my heart to the screen let alone your face. What if you don’t like what my heart says? You did the same thing on our first FaceTime call though vacation could be the cover up, it wasn’t purchased at the price you tried to sell it at… I saw through the ruse. I want you to see through mine. I want you to see me so clearly that stars are seen in your eyes. I want your soul to feel so comfortable around mine that they steal each other and ride into the sunset. 

Long story short, my face has gone numb and all I want to do is sit and think about you and how our future could unfold, unfortunately I can’t create our future without creating my own as well. Signing up for a Bible study I’m nervous I may not finish due to mental fatigue and substance abuse…tears wanting to form, pray for me when you speak to Jesus.