herlucidlife

Esteem is low, confidence sitting on the floor, insecurity rising because it was rooted in another human. Scrolling on platforms that house pictures, following the same folks, I see some of the photos you like randomly. Nothing against you, every bad emotion I feel when seeing your little screen name populate under her photos…my heart sinks a little more. We’ve communicated everyday since coming into a space of relational growth. It’s easy to sit back and think that social media isn’t real, yet on the other side there is a human being with authentic blood pumping through their veins. Seems the only thing not real is the lie we tell ourselves. 

Emotions, realities, all hidden behind screens only knowing what people want to share. There’s truth wrapped in lies, unfortunately there’s no time to dissect illusions. I didn’t like the hideous feeling I felt in my chest, looking at myself in an off putting way. Another woman’s beauty could never taint my own and vice versa. All created in the likeness of God, He has called me to appreciate and treasure the pretty in others, even the parts that are seen as ugly. I love everything about myself, even the parts I long to change, so why does another’s actions derail my emotions?

Owing me absolutely nothing, you’ve done nothing wrong yet be a man in his element. Talking in circles this life lesson has come around before yet I keep getting distracted from caring for myself. Every single person on this earth has a family, a friend, a world that only encompasses a certain crowd. We all have worlds in ourselves that interchange for the other depending on focus. The one thing we have in common is that life is breaking, some choose to get built up while others choose to sit in the rubble defeated. Doing all I can to be better than my current self, while also cutting down progress…is that the definition of stagnation? 

Recognizing I’ve been idling in a similar mental space, playing both victim and villain in my story. Forcing my mind into a healthier headspace is…I genuinely like listening to you talk. We’ve switched subjects. When matters of the heart call I answer. Smoking my last joint with you, not calling the weed lady any longer going on another hiatus. Fixed on the mannerisms of your jawline, rolling across the behavior each word allowed your lips to perform. Soothing my ears, words of your future, aspirations more than dreams, plans, action moves. My face naturally worked into a deep crescent moon on its back, face hurting after we got off the phone I couldn’t stop gleaming. 

Screaming into my pillow three times to make sure all the excitement had left my body…it was perfect! Crazy how God can bring perfection to a situation without trying between people that house nothing ideal. Almost forgetting what had me down, I will not pull myself to the ground to continue the point but flying high above the perimeter to gain a better focus. I continue to need validation that life is moving how it should. Constantly God is having to prove the goodness He wants to show me. Without ceasing until now I have been needing a person of good terms to bring healthy self esteem to my being, sad it doesn’t belong to them to give. 

Evidence in the story…proof in the typing. Reader, be a witness to a class held in session.