herlucidlife

Sniggling and giggling like a tween in the midst of a first puppy love, nothing has felt this light and right in years. Sounding harsh take my words heavily because they are, possibly not nice to make it plain. I like to keep wording descriptive. Including my marriage, no relationship has been this exciting since college and I can barely remember what that felt like through the trauma scars. Funny how trauma can blot out or taint past happy memories and it becomes necessary to create new ones. Looking down at myself in a very abstract way, even I seem bizarre to myself. I’m not recognizing the emotions in me. 

Let’s talk about work for a second and I probably shouldn’t vent while under liquid courage, i.e. that drunkenness from the bottom of a bottle but here goes anyway…this may get edited out. I’m finding it difficult to keep going, my drive is wavering to succeed in my role. God keeps me going in knowing that everything done for Him should be done with excellence as He gives me what I need to complete every good work. Face numb again, going off the weed seems the habit is to give a send off with alcohol that could not be considered liquor…but it’s all the same when it creates a sensation in the body causing  sobriety to leave the limbs. 

Went outside to dance in my fenced in grass, tipsy off the yach in the words of young m.a. Tomorrow may be hard, nothing in the system but the system God created. Typing words so quickly, the mind is going a million miles per minute. Have you ever missed someone you’ve not seen in years? Never read my words, I hope you couldn’t see the love in my eyes, yet this quiet voice in my head says I’m getting lust confused with love. Keeping track is no longer in the mind. I’d always looked forward to the next event, not the in between times.

Having to talk myself into sobriety, siking myself up for the work to come. It’s more than wanting but it’s a deep yearning in the mind and body. Hours after that feeling has set in its still here. Body gone without feeling, mind not focusing, maybe down for the night…I’m done. I may be infatuated with the next love just to be distracted from life, looking for a helper through this living…I keep overlooking God, the everlasting never changing, always constant Being. In my heart, housed in my being it’s wild how attention can be lacking towards the Being that placed His Spirit in my soul. Have you ever been so intoxicated your teeth hurt when chewing? 

Something about listening to you is so soothing to my soul, can you whisper me to sleep with the sound of your heartbeat? I’d quietly sip from your honey pot. Specifically leaving my home to see you only, flying across a couple states just to witness the gloriousness of your smile. I’m already too smitten, is love at four hundredth sight a thing? Not at first sight yet at first FaceTime..I knew. Is priceless worth more than the feeling I get from any other substance? Then it’s you. Returning to the point of faded where experiencing nothing will become the new drug. Is there any feeling that isn’t temporary?