herlucidlife

Sadness eventually set in like it always does, bloated not feeling good about myself, at the end of the night it hits differently every time. Every inch of me wants to be ready while nothing in me feels equipped for this love ahead. Overwhelmed, hair shedding from overthinking, God I need to trust You more…I’m struggling. Sitting at my desk thinking over the events that I pressured myself into. Wanting to be everyone for everybody, on the time frame each person needs me. I’ve said yes to things I could’ve said no too or should’ve changed the date to help myself. People pleasing, stretched too thin, trying so hard to keep my mind stayed on God. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen easily. 

God my mind wants to burst into a million different pieces. Not the only one with a lot on their plate, too much food, needing to be pushed away. Unfortunately, fasting is not an option. Consuming for dear life, Father God please take it all off my shoulders. No answers for those with questions…I don’t know anymore. Paddling through the day, completing tasks I had no clue would be in the plans for today. Seems I never know the actions God is putting into place yet I look for His covering anyway. Giving service, helping others operate in their positions at optimal performance. God is my only source of help, giving me the know-how to do works I never thought I’d be called to complete. 

Walking in this new role, new body, new head space I’m constantly looking for a moment of mental rest. This experience is creating depth in God, having to remind myself that He is here regardless of my emotions. My feelings are not the indicator for God’s constant  goodness. More so, God never said every experience would be comfortable but that He would be my comfort when my mind is stayed on Him I gain peace. Clarity to move around obstacles, I am the biggest rock in the road. Standing in the way, guard up like my little baby fists have the strength for the battle…God already told me I have no power without Him. Operating with my own muscles, attempting to scoot closer to the finish line. 

Looking for mental rest doesn’t mean life stops to give me a break. Living does not care about the overload happening behind my eyes, trying to give everything to God because what I’ve been doing hasn’t eased the load. Shoulders shrugged naturally, having to remind my body to let go of tension, the only time I feel loose is under the influence of prayer. Sleeping all day yesterday, it seemed like God was preparing me for the mental gymnastics of the week. Doing nothing, looking at my eyelids from the inside, smoking the last bit of herb, comatose, doing the bare minimum for wellness. The Lord’s decree will prevail. 

What He has for me will be. What He created for me I will see. What He breathes in existence for my life will come to completion. Obedience, looking for His voice in every situation, ready to communicate with my Father. His utter is the only solace.