herlucidlife

Nervous to accept the help because I never want to be a burden while holding onto every burden this life brings but God is helping me lay those bags down at His altar. Feeling cheap wine swirl in my stomach, creating swimming in my body, making the decision to loc these loose strands into tightly coiled tangled cylinders of hair. Crowned with majesty, I’m learning how to walk in my royal calling. Absolutely knowing I am divine, angelic housing every good thing God has to offer. He gives a shine that can not be stolen, given away or lost. Struggle is not the same as bondage, lifestyle is different than a grieved soul that has trouble letting go of certain affiliations, while the heart posture clings to God’s faith.

Body losing senses, falling deeper into the sofa, operating with a different sensation from a modified substance. My mind no longer finds ease in toiling over small details. Finding it difficult to bring life to these words, perhaps my mind has finally learned how to shut off. Taking care of what I needed, dabbling a little in what I didn’t need yet some gaps were left unfilled by bi-weekly resources. God stepped in allowing help to find me because I tell no one but Him of my issues. I look forward to the next smoke. Yearning to be freed from wanting you, walking through the process I simply want to sit with you in my lungs, coating the inner lining of my nostrils. Even the stale scent you leave behind is better than fresh air that fills my home.

Sitting at the point of feigning where I can take it or leave it yet everything in me is hoping to keep it. The only reason to stop is Jesus. He is my only excuse to let go of my herbal remedy that never really cures anything but somehow still brings a small sense of peace to my mind…or maybe that’s an illusion too. I’m hoping the financial help God sent also covers the itch to sniff green. Embarking on a new journey within myself, my life started at age zero. No longer finding myself rather I’m allowing God to fortify what’s already been established. Revealing what He’s known to me, this mind is beginning to feel like home again. Sitting in another’s home in an effort to gain funds for my own, blessings come from the minute details God forms together. Help came to my door, assistance left my hands because she needed something too.

Broken places in my life have allowed me to bless others around me. Tarnished fragments of my mind have let my eyes see God’s light in my midst. Five days fit into two, I just hit up my dealer and already supply has dried. Simply wanting to smoke the night away, purposely skipping Bible study to inhale the last remnants of a frenemy. Irrational, not logical, putting myself in sticky situations just to have you close…obsession. I speak as though I don’t control how much or little people receive from me. Taming the tongue thinking too long about what needs to be said, I’ve been held back.