herlucidlife

Thinking deeply about who I am. Diving into the abyss of this inner mortal, she’s beautifully tailored like a painting God left tear stains on. Magical to the being calling her, me…a fuller appreciation is coming around for myself. Toting a lot of weight, super human in my own right. Normal activities don’t feel fun without a little herb, the mind has already begun to see life a little dimmer than before. It may take a while for the light to come back on. I always tap out when it gets too difficult. Wanting to let go, allowing the process to run its course. 

Down to the last bit, making a decision to change my heart posture toward this decision. Giving myself grace to move slowly to admit that I’m not okay, not beating myself up for not being where I thought I should’ve been. Doing so much with internal damages, it’s really by God’s grace and mercy anything has been completed. Carrying me all the way, it’s divine how a limp woman can create glory for God. Anything acceptable to Him is perfect. I don’t think my last social post made any sense, I’m nervous the high may have crept into my creative space. An altered mind could mean a changed lingo…I doubt it.

Governed by the Holy Spirit, nothing is out of order. Striving to simply be more at home in Christ. Allowing me to let go of myself that He may have all of who I am. I will know myself more by dwelling in Him richly. The last one for a while, confident in the choice to let go. Mentally deleting my dealer’s number, I memorized it a while ago. Scrapped, rubbed raw, digging into the nook and crannies, crusted herb flaking from the side. Working into the evening to alleviate the feeling of longing, it gave business to a mind that couldn’t be distracted. Functional overthinking is better than being stuck. Giving grace is difficult when analyzing every moment is in the background.

Something in me feels like help is coming around the corner. I don’t know if this will be the last time. I’ve begun smoking the part that gets ashed. Small clusters of green and brown flowers falling from between burnt papers, got me higher than the regular. Spiraling just before I come to my break through, I decided to not do my usual and get alcohol. Instead I let God guide my tires home, hunched over my computer pecking at work orders from days earlier. I’ve been staring at screens too long. Eyes tired, mind not wanting to level and tell the full truth. Sadness has set in again, it’s different in that I know God’s quiet touch better than before. Giving myself grace because I know God will never remove His love from me, I’m okay in knowing that not all days are super bright but none are ever black