herlucidlife

Shame can set in sometimes when I think about the way I go after marijuana. Chasing a fleeting feeling that only houses reward in the puffing, instantly it’s gone with the smoke it created. Rituals, going through the motions can seem helpful at times, reminding me of what I’m trying to leave behind. I enjoy the sensation, I feel a different side of my energy when grasped in its clutches. Unraveled waiting for myself to be okay, granting grace internalizing it’s okay to be out of sorts. Moving slowly and patiently learning what it means to be gracious towards self. 

Working overtime, staff members banning together to operate the House of God. Overwhelmed, overworked, God’s payment is superior coming in all forms not just monetary, it’s eternal. Money is only as valuable as the people who use it say it’s worth. Investing in others and self is the ultimate monetary gain. I no longer have fun that’s purely exciting; there’s usually an aura of sadness in my midst. Perhaps it’s a mental thing not sure when it came to be but it’s here and sometimes I wonder are other adults like me? Going through life with things feeling sweetly bitter, not quite sour never again to be heavily sugared. 

Faith the size of a mustard seed is needed because God knew at some point it would be all I have…it has to be enough. That little all powerful seed granted by God into my heart has been the driving force of my breath. I’ve seen the slippery slope of my downward spiral, walking forward because Jesus has faced everything I do now. Never alone, always understanding my pain, life once tried to take Him out too but He rose above it all and conquering death and sin. He is the All Mighty, so I keep walking, living in me is His Spirit my only hope is His face. 

Struggling with the war inside my mind, coming close to thinking it could be the end but God has shown my fate and it is brighter than I imagined. Yet I must walk through the dark in order for the callouses to fall off my eyes. More and more I see how wrapped into myself I’ve become. Housing something ugly beauty also lives here too, not canceling each other out, they can live in the same body. I often think about the kind of woman I am in relationships. What matters is what am I going to do about the fear cramped into my bones when the thought of being loving to my person. Having a man on the hook is scary because he could easily jump off if he feels another hook suits his nature. 

Intentional with every move around him, I’ve never been this nervously unnerved in my life. Wanting to get everything right could be the thing to make everything go wrong because it isn’t natural to how I move. Too overthought can make actions rigid and calculated. Being too concerned with perception can cause me to water down the greatness that resides within. Worry would have me believe that I’ve lost the thing drawing him near when really he’s not even touched the true essence of my home. This earthly temple houses a divine entity that was graced and given by God. He won’t allow me to mess this up because it’s a blessing He will not remove it. He has granted everything in me to excel, even in this moment I have what I need. 

No worries, reality shows I’m on the correct path ordered by Christ. Walking in my purpose, only drawing others that are on their divine paths. There’s no question, we needed to meet here, how we are now, with the histories we have behind us. God brought something together for a purpose that will give Him glory. Let’s praise God now for the beginning is already everything I never expected…simply simple.