herlucidlife

Hiding behind the characteristic of being quiet, shy to some folks. Really it’s fear choking the language out of my tongue. Looking at a social platform the idea was posed that perhaps the personality traits we have is somehow fear wrapped in a different face. Hitting hard, defaulting to how things are “usually done” or “that’s just how I am…” Defaulting is a mechanism used when the fear of change taps in thinking that people or situations are trying to change us. Well of course they are, God is in the business of change and only moldable creatures will come to His throne looking for the Potter to house and form the clay. 

I think of him constantly. My brain has created more folds just to house his memory. Altering the external will only affect the internal temporarily but the internal will always affect the external permanently. Always available for my workplace, sometimes it feels like I have no life but then I think…other than being with him there’s nothing I’d rather be doing. My existence has consisted of taking care of others and myself. Actively mentally and physically giving myself grace, it’s allowed a deeper appreciation for who mom was and what she did for me; even more so what she went through as a woman and single widowed mother to one girl. 

There’s godliness in His discipline. He teaches that discipline never feels good in the moment but painful yet it is in the long term that the fruit of peace is the reward. Stealing every kind of peace from myself for the temporary satisfaction of a puff that evaporates before my very eyes. Listening to fellow addicts, having done the work for themselves all in different stages..it’s a group of heavenly beings looking to create a holistic approach to life that breeds love and health. Yearning to be better than before, the callousness of addiction has placed a shield of fear in front of being superior. I’ve never been scared to be greater. I’ve never encountered this cycle of my brain that needs to have substances taken off the table. 

Doing the work. Do I trust myself to do the labor? It’s more than having faith in God, it’s also allowing that faith to bring life into action. Discipline is an action word that requires movement from my brain, body, and spirit shifting on one accord. God refines me through faithful actions, I have His righteousness now through faith. Perfection comes from obedience, I can never get to the threshold of His perfection if I’m constantly holding onto the imperfection of this world. God is looking for me to do the work He has assigned. Always holding up His end of the relationship. Starting over, failing shouldn’t be the thing to keep me from the happily ever after God has for me. 

Life is not all sunshine and rainbows, rather I’ve had tsunamis, earthquakes and hurricanes but somehow death hasn’t claimed the breath in my bones. One foot in front of the other, moving through feeling unqualified, seems God is holding me up because He wants me here with Him…called.