herlucidlife

Sensing sobriety isn’t just about me, it’s also for that fellow addict that is working just as hard as I to be better. We hold each other up just as the community of God’s children hold each other up through the stresses and celebrations of life. Understanding that addicts are housed in God’s family, some of His children are battling things that would be deemed as a sinful lifestyle. Staying away from screens that show intoxication, the blundering happiness that seems to beam from people’s faces as their cheeks are rosy from the heat alcohol creates in the body…fake. I can not intake what you put out anymore. Shifting what I ingest, thinking of not hanging around some folks because I can not put myself in certain situations thinking I’m stronger than what I am.

I think at any stage of sobriety just as in my walk with Christ I need to always be vigilant of the prowling nature of satan. Looking to hit me at my highest to knock me off the elevation God has put me, assuming I could go any day without God by my side is the first chance he will strike. Intoxicated for more days than none out of four years, living clean was limited to almost nothing. Driving, operating, working, influencing others with my character…every single person I hold close has witnessed me belligerently high whether they knew it or not. Whether they thought I was tired or not the truth was my hair was so smoked out it could’ve been a chimney. Lungs smogged from using, thankfully God has allowed for me to not look the part. 

Fearful of true life. I’m actually scared to be whole and healthy because then I’ll be unstoppably healed. Ready to do the work, already completing some goals on my list. Hope and faith are grown and strengthened through the work of obedience. I find it hard to spew my love for you over the internet like how I did others. Something about this phase of life keeps me from dwelling on you too long. A welcomed companion, I love when you pop across my screen housing delight and weariness. Long distance, not knowing what you do every second of the day yet I trust you immensely. I believe what you’ve told me based on how your actions match perfectly with your words. Is it too soon to say I want this forever? In each other’s homes, sharing space for days, getting personal, peeling layers back that we’ve hidden from the outside world. Something felt safe, peaceful, and uncomplicated.

Thinking of you too long causes anxiety because I want to speed to the part where life has us hitched. Seen visibly in my head, I’ve noticed the visions in my head usually come to pass because they are divine messages from God. I truly believe God allows me to see small glimpses into the future simply to bring encouragement to my spirit.