herlucidlife

Allowing others to think I’m okay with the behavior they push my way is another form of lying. You think everything is okay while inside my feelings are hurt and in turmoil. I’ve lied to you by letting things slide, by not speaking up for myself the first time, the perception of what I’ve portrayed is inaccurate. The truth is your behavior was never acceptable and the only person unwell is me. Learning from the pattern, I have an issue creating boundaries with others. Seeming to think my life is their exclusive playground, it’s my fault I never told them they were trespassing. Coming to another fork, I can see so clearly I need to say something as the same behavior is coming up again. 

Regardless of what I’ve done, God is not ashamed to call me His daughter. The Words of God reign true and supreme over any voice, not even what I say can cancel out the love God has placed over and in my life. I’m not left out to dry, to fend for myself, because I am a child of God there is a level of reverence toward Him in my heart. To fear God is to have respect for Him making sure to keep Him on His rightful pedestal. I truly believe that God placed fear of Him in my heart through the teachings of my mother, for that treasure is not cultivated on its own. There is a mindset that is built when sin becomes a lifestyle, it can almost seem like a compulsion or obsession if you will. 

There’s a level of rock bottom most of us hit before truly turning around from a life void of Christ, even that void is a habitual sin that seems to always be on the back. Having always known God in my heart, it seemed it did not exclude me from falling victim to the destructive ways of this world, as sin was built into my bones along with everyone else. It took more than my own will power to see I was powerless to my addiction. God never said I could save myself with a change of mindset, rather the change comes from a changed heart that has surrendered to God, submitting myself under His Hand…I choose obedience. 

I had to surrender the thought of recovery. The weight of addiction was too heavy so I gave it to God and said heal me. I found soon after that recovery is an even heavier cross as it’s shaping the rest of my life, a road I have no full control over except to choose a clean life moment by moment. Thinking years down the road brought a drowning sensation to my chest, like can I really do this? Yet it’s not me doing anything, rather God is creating miracles through the small decisions I make every day. I don’t restore my sanity, God does. I can’t piece together my life without Him, I wouldn’t even know where to start. 

His love is evident because everyday God helps me be better. He sent people to aid in my betterment and I in theirs. There is nothing more divine than seeing God move in the details of life. He is more than a God that makes grandiose miracles, rather He is also personal that He sits with me in my pain and happiness, willing me to make safer decisions. Awareness of my defects, He’s slowing me down to correct things I would’ve naturally shied away from out of fear. He is removing the sting of what someone could say and replacing it with the freedom of obedience.