herlucidlife

Lack of money usually forces me into the sobriety corner, not because I want to be there but because the circumstances of life put me there..rather irresponsible and addictive behavior put me there. I had to learn that my addiction may not look like everyone else’s but that doesn’t take away the death it holds still. Realizing my life evolved around getting the drug, or trying to replace it with another drug kept me in a circle of defeat. It was easy to see that others were sitting in their frustration, while I called mine something other than what it was…collapse. Life had become unmanageable, it was choking everything out of me. I could barely say a nice thing about myself without immediately thinking it was a lie. 

My mind thought recovery, living a clean life was impossible, that somehow I would always be an addict, fighting this pointless battle because I was going to lose anyway so why even try just keep using until it takes me out. So many moments of clarity had come across my brain, having tried so many times to white knuckle it through clean living. Yet that was me acting in my own will, not wanting to be serious about the hard work needed to truly be free. Freedom has a high price. Mine was purchased by the shedding of Jesus’ blood. 

In my feelings, emotional over a person…I can’t control anything about them. Listening to music that feeds the torture in my head, something about the beat feels silky to the passion leaving my heart. Sensing a shift in the atmosphere I’m not sure if it’s real or just an illusion my mind has cooked up through questions and concerns. I don’t care enough to inquire yet I cared enough to think about it all day. Glaring all day, one of my defects is that I don’t give grace to the imaginary people in my head…that also happens to be a real living breathing person. Creating things in my mind, they’re beginning to show up in real life. Speaking in silence, being too honest with you, my lack of expectation could’ve pushed you away. 

I don’t have faith in new relationships, speaking exclusively about the courting of the opposite sex, nothing ever feels safe. Tip toeing right out the door, my heart is beginning to pull away. Fickle in my affection, cool as cucumber you’d not know I was belligerently scared of being thrown away so I usually try to walk away first. Halfway across the world, galavanting through the sands of foreign lands, seems I’m an afterthought. Selfish to think I would be thought of during your vacation, it’s not about me, has nothing to do with me…perhaps that’s what’s got me hurt. Not believing I would ever have a place in your life, seems you could be trying to fit me in but I don’t see any room. People pleasing to my own detriment, I didn’t say what I really wanted to say, wanting to make you feel comfortable instead. It seems I dreamt up my worst nightmare…not speaking to you everyday. 

Some could think it’s childish but one day without speaking and immediately I’m assuming you don’t like me anymore. That I’ve done something wrong or that you’ve found someone that better suits your lifestyle. Fearful I can’t keep up, feeling out of my league it’s becoming difficult to not look down on myself when thinking of you. Loving who I am, it still doesn’t feel like enough. Repeating the word “feel” too often, nothing is factual but a simple gut wrenching emotion that gnaws at my soul. Second fiddle, not holding any significance to you, I’m sad, tears catching in my throat…I don’t think I’m ready for this.