herlucidlife

If the reader would give me one more moment to vent that would be so gracious to my heart. Learning to give grace to myself is beginning to teach me what it means to give to others. The first recipient has to be yourself before others, if grace isn’t overflowing then I have none to spare. Out of all the guys you had the most finesse. When I pull away I pull no punches, not speaking out of turn rather I slide away quietly undetected until it’s too late for you to come back. There’s no such thing, the door will always be locked while a smile sits on my face. 

When it dawned on me that we had barely past surface level conversation in two months, it was clear there was nothing between us but lust. Looking better than good, that’s all I was attracted to. You know it’s time to call it quits too, that’s why you haven’t bothered to speak. Going mute, probably waiting till you get back from vacation to say something it’ll be too late by then. There’s always down time on vacation, nothing is ever go go go, decisions were made. I don’t know where your mind is but it won’t quiet that gut feeling that it’s time to leave. 

Yet I know the amount of men that have not worked out in my favor will not compare to the man that will truly love me and I him. His presence will erase every memory of you, he won’t even know the power brought to my life through the power he has in God. I need a godly man because something about the other side is not sweet. Having my own faults, too many defects to count yet those character flaws do not keep God from loving and helping me be better. Sorrow, regret, guilt for lying with you. A flaw is that physically I move too quickly thinking it will solidify my spot when really it just leaves me alone and used because all they saw was an object to play with. 

Sex never leads to more. I’m stupid for not knowing that because my history has shown it clearly but I still didn’t learn the lesson. Not upset with myself this time, I now understand a trauma response is laying down because I don’t believe what is inside is enough to keep him. Maybe because I always knew he never wanted me anyway, having to assume how you felt about me never sharing what you thought of me…I now see there was nothing to tell. It’s sad because I’m pretty awesome, perhaps I should guard myself as such.