herlucidlife

Purposely pushing you out of my mind, thinking of you helps in no way at all. I regret even wasting time and energy because I keep giving chances to the wrong guy. Still waiting for you to say anything I feel pathetic. Haven’t truly read my Bible in weeks, white knuckling through this recovery. Thing about change is, it’s not felt right away. Change is a long term game and every short term decision I make goes toward the long term goal. Reading the basic text, starting on my first step it brought awareness I was blinded to. There’s a dependency I look for since mom has left, her life and death still haunts me to this day, and it may always be a ghost I can’t escape. Walking into my dreams whether in person or picture or energy, you’re always here with me. 

No one will ever be as dependable as the being living in your home, day in and day out, I crave that kind of intimacy yet on a healthy playing field. Not all company is good company. I’ve witnessed the tragedy that was my married life. Not well for the other person, I killed anything that would’ve blossomed between us because I’d rather walk away and be missed than stay and be loved. I’m not sure I know what love I’m looking for, thinking I know what it feels like to be treated right…what if I don’t and my expectation is what’s causing the problem? What if it’s me and not them? Coming to the conclusion that perhaps it’s all me or both but either way I play a huge part in my sadness. 

Having beautiful beings in my corner cheering me on I have to be grateful for their presence because God could snatch them away and I’d be even more ugly. I miss her everyday, of every second, of every moment. Going on to the bitter end was blissful hell, sometimes wishing the disease would’ve taken me out. Irrational this mental disease, it will only make sense to those that have it otherwise I just look insane. I only tell those with enough compassion in their hearts to empathize or at least just listen with a loving heart. Just as I’m powerless over my addiction, I was powerless over her death. There was nothing in my power to keep her here, nothing in my control to keep her from getting sick, I had no voice in the matter. 

I believe recovery is possible, I’m just not sure that recovery includes healing from the wounds of her leaving. Taken, is such an ugly word perhaps relieving His child of her spiritual duties to this earth will ease my heart. I’m praying so. 

Her is mommy.