herlucidlife

I sleep to not overthink to then have vivid dreams, the mind is always awake, never slumbering. Sometimes living in this mind is exhausting. Physical exertion means nothing to me, rather it’s better than pouring oneself into bed because of mental fatigue. I can only control my actions and thoughts, yet life has shown I’ve allowed both to run rampant. Teaching this old dog some new tricks, set in my ways, opening this mind to betterment is all I have to hold onto. Trusting, knowing that God will lift these character defects off of me in His timing, even doing the work and being obedient doesn’t mean that I’m just suddenly healed. Rather that timing is all God, even the expectation that my action could reap a certain reward is trying to take ownership of control I have no authority over. The decision is all I have to govern but the course it takes is not my doing.

Acting in love doesn’t mean that someone will receive it in love. Taking certain substances off the shelf helped me see my spending habits are jacked up, among other things. I spend to fill a void of happiness. Purchasing items I don’t need whether it be a phone case, food takeout, or even tattoos are gathered in an effort to bring some joy to my life. As if God allowing me to breathe isn’t enough. Every time I go under the needle it’s to fill something that is lacking. Truly enjoying my artwork I’ve noticed the emotional state I’m in when receiving the newest ink and it’s rather depressing most times.Thinking that I deserve it or that I’ve earned it has been the tainted thinking that has kept active addiction alive. 

I’ve struggled with surrender yet that’s the first step in recovery. Never wanting to give all of it has allowed me to stay stuck mentally. I’m scared to give God everything because what if He wants to change everything, what if I house nothing that is worth leaving untouched? I’m fearful of being inadequate, that nothing in me is good enough to be left alone because if it has to be touched then it means that I’m wrong and I’ve always been wrong. But holding on hasn’t done any good so maybe giving it away is for the best.