herlucidlife

Stealing joy out of situations that would have otherwise been okay untouched. It was going well until I started thinking too much, until I started feeling too much. Clearly not going to workout as anything more than whatever it was, I tend to block people that either no longer serve a purpose or give an uneasy feeling to my gut, whichever comes first. Taking it too literally that people are only here for a season, sometimes I think yours should’ve never began. God says I’ll never be ashamed when I seek Him, delivering me from all my fear…so why doesn’t my face not gleam with joy? Why has shame come upon my face?…Stupidity has sunk into my heart like a dead phoenix not rising from the ashes. 

Not the Creator’s fault this is a user defect. I’ve been struggling with coming to God, leaving Him on the shelf while trying to focus on recovery as if He doesn’t give me the strength to do both. Prioritizing recovery meetings over time with Jesus, my spirit is so dehydrated it’s basically dust. Sunday service will never be enough to quench the lack in my heart. Perhaps lack of attention to God led my emotions to an unstable place, where compassion for someone else was not possible…I can’t receive what I don’t give out.

I don’t like the way you spoke to me yet somehow I still took the blame for allowing my feelings to be hurt by someone I wanted to let go of anyway. Stupid, I swear it makes no sense. Maybe you were right about me being irrational. Perhaps your lack of emotional empathy towards yourself led you to believe my overt emotions were out of line. Once again my feelings are halting praises to God. Trying not to think about it, I’m literally getting more and more pissed off at the whole encounter. Yet, unlike last time I don’t feel the need to spew my guts because clearly sharing any type of sentiment with you is a dead end. Not going that route again, steering clear of you…so why do I feel a twinge of sadness at the thought of not hearing from you again? Mm maybe I just missed you, sharing with too much intensity just to push you away. 

Either way if you aren’t strong enough to handle my emotions then you shouldn’t be in the vicinity of my energy. November 12 is my birthday and by the time you read this it will be long past. It was an emotional day of self reflection, discovery, renewal, and proudness. I look down at myself and I’m proud of her, my younger self is proud of me. I truly believe God looks upon me with a smile because I try my best to do what He has asked and keep love for Him in my heart. Mommy is proud of me and though I have a hard time believing past loved ones can see us, I have to hide in my heart that she smiles at me too. For once not trying to use any substance to mask emotion, there’s serenity in knowing God has lifted the desire to use. I pray He keeps me teachable that I never become bigheaded thinking I have this life and disease figured out, because that’s when I’ve failed. 

So happy birthday to me, I love you naje.