herlucidlife

It’s so easy to bury my head in the sand when change seems too overwhelming. Spending thanksgiving alone by choice, purposeful solitude I did exactly what I wanted and needed…rested till I couldn’t anymore. Quieting my heart and mind to be still in the moment hearing the pitter patter of rain drops on the window seal falling onto the roof. I felt at ease. Operating in silence most of the day, I’ve never been fearful of my own thoughts rather I’m more fearful of never hearing them that they go unnoticed and uncared for. In deep thought about mom, dad never too far behind. Going ninety-eight percent of my life without him I’ve grown to accept his absence in ways I can’t describe. Two-thousand and fifteen was the last time mom and I decorated for Christmas. 

The last time the house has seen any ounce of holiday cheer or spirit. Gifted a birthday tree on my born day, full of cards and well wishes. It felt like God telling me it’s time to emerge from that depressed state and make what feels like cheer to me. Having given away all the old Christmas decorations, I kept absolutely nothing my mother had touched…it needed to go in order to heal. Going to my local store to pick up a few ornaments to position on my cute little pink and white tree, colors chosen by my mother’s childhood friend in remembrance of the colors they wore on their wedding day. DIY-ing a few little dangly things, I always remember her the most when I’m creating. Watching her morph beauty out of raw materials she was the first person I saw create out of sheer joy. 

I think of her when I operate in the creative gifts God has granted me. Looking forward to seeing her in my creativity, the closest I can get to her is simply being myself. Continuing to get rid of things that no longer serve me, out with the old in with the new. Not everything is worthless, though God has shown that improvement is always available if wanted enough. What if personality is the thing keeping me trapped? Often used as a mask to hide transparency, faulting to “that’s how I’ve always been.” Could it be that if that mask were taken off I wouldn’t feel the need to make others feel good in my presence but that I’d simply be raw. 

What would need to be left behind to go deeper? What would need to be cultivated in order to sustain the depth? God is revealing while also keeping certain secrets hidden for right now because some things will not be purposeful until later hours. Forgiving myself is a daily practice that I often forget about. Allowing the grievances to pile up until it chokes the joy out of my mind, I have to free myself from the ways when I behaved out of turn. Shameful, regret for how I’ve acted, I have to let myself go. I hate bringing it up but once again when life gets quiet I tend to focus on the things I’ve done wrong or would like to change. Perhaps that time would be better spent praying than gnawing at myself on things I can no longer change. The past.