herlucidlife

Healing in God given foods there’s also death in things not created by Him. For anything touched by human hands can be manipulated and poisoned for selfish gain. I yearn to make the right decision that aligns with God’s will for it is only myself holding me back, not even Satan had to step in on this one. Feeling ugly in the chest more often than I’d like, something has to give and it needs to be me before my body makes the choice for me. I’m recovering from more than substance abuse but a sick mind. Substances have simply been the result of compulsion that likes to act out while ignoring the consequences because God has allowed for the outcome to work in my favor. Knowing grace is given should heighten responsibility to do better, not to relax the reins and let the floodgates loose. 

Talking to myself in the mirror, fixing my mind I know God is changing me. I’m surrendering everything else because even if I do everything I can that does mean my demise won’t be the same but at least I would’ve done everything I could. No regret wishing I could’ve done better but forfeiting the idea for fleeting momentary pleasure that lasts less than temporary. What’s funny is that my conscience will no longer allow me to enjoy the blissful taste of my favorite junk foods. Instant guilt and regret slips into my midst when the food is even thought of, ordered or cooked then tasted. Just like the drugs it was all fun and games until reality set in and it affected my body poorly and my mind caught up to the responsibility of it all. 

Honestly I’m still a little ashamed. I know I shouldn’t be because God doesn’t put shame on my being yet somehow that doesn’t stop the actions from attaching the emotion like conjoined twins. But I won’t stress over it, I will not wish heartache of any kind on myself. Instead I will invest in my recovery from all things backwards, do my best to put my best foot forward, make the right decisions most times because I know that sometimes I will fail. The rest will have to be in my Father’s Hands whom I trust more than the breath in these lungs.