herlucidlife

Haven’t been ranting and raving over my love life like in past posts. Began looking at myself in an unsavory way, feeling a little too exposed, a little too “fallen too quickly.” Migraine headache for two days straight, laying in bed all day it seems my body is ready to assume the same position today. No headache insight though I feel her second cousin wanting to show his ugly face. Dreams working overtime, I don’t have some profound one liner in my brain. Taking a long break from looking at myself, no microscope in sight. Recently passed my sixty day anniversary of being clean. I’m enjoying not being inebriated daily. 

Interacting with my new person with nothing in the system but butterflies, I don’t want him to see me belligerent. I don’t want him to encounter the lost girl I was when knees deep in sorrowful active addiction. I only want him to see this version of me whether it be a good day or not so sweet, he doesn’t need to see me out of my right mind. You’ve occupied my mind in the most obsessive way possible. I’ve never thought of someone so much that it was void of anxiety. Sharing soul ties over the phone, I won’t go into detail of the words exchanged because they’re too special to give to an audience. 

I’m enjoying putting all my eggs in one basket because it seems our minds are occupying the same space. I’d be remiss if my mind hadn’t blocked everything else out. It won’t shut up about you, thank God it can be worked into each gift God has presented me with. I don’t have much to say. Lately I’ve felt stagnant in my recovery. In the early days of my walk it almost felt like if I didn’t go to a NA meeting that life would end or that I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day. It felt as if the addiction recovery police would arrest me if I didn’t go to a meeting. Seeing others so committed to the cause was intimidating because I didn’t want my life to center around NA like theirs seemed too. 

Seems I’m figuring out what my life looks like outside of using. I may be naive to think that the program is not a one size fits all, though each person in recovery, especially those that have gone years without using, have an expertise that surpasses mine. I’m just not sure what I’m doing or what it looks like for me to be in recovery. I just know I don’t want my life to be centered around attending meetings. Though I loved attending, I can’t wait till they’re over so I can get back to living. It’s weird that attending a meeting that aids in my recovery feels like I’ve put my life on hold. I’m not sure that’s a healthy way to look at it. Perhaps that’s why it’s not sustainable when it comes to being consistent. 

Yet I’ll get back on it, perhaps my rhythm is binging meetings then going M.I.A. and repeat. No more special than any other addict, relapse is very real and possible in every life. The thought is terrifying and disappointing yet the reality of its possibility has not forced me into a meeting. Sad how sometimes we can be our own stumbling block by simply growing weary. Fearful enough dear God please help me to find myself in a meeting.