herlucidlife

I don’t want to ramble but if you haven’t noticed this platform is an online diary. Courtesy of my gift of writing. I like to overshare to unwind, release the tension on my emotional waistband, let the belly hang a little…mm feels good. The day after Christmas, celebrating Jesus’ Birthday yet He seemed absent from my mind most of the day. Have you ever spent so much time alone that you begin to miss the direct presence of God? I miss my Father and our quiet moments together. Seeing myself ride toward the ramp of old partners, everything in my life is looped into a cycle. All my eggs in one basket, dreams too vivid sticking in my mind all day, I don’t understand what God is trying to tell me. 

Let’s get to the nitty gritty for a second. One, I’ve been dating this guy for almost a month and the moment we become physically intimate I learn he believes in some interesting spiritual things. Somethings that are the polar opposite of what I believe in, though He believes in God. Some would say there’s no right or wrong thing to believe in, yet I just think that’s a load of crap. Hypocritical, messy, and all around a hot mess even I know that there’s only one right thing to believe in and that’s the blood of Jesus. Feeling like I butchered the gospel message because I forgot to mention Jesus dying on the cross like what am I doing right now? 

Completely a hot mess, sipping on a beverage with five percent alcoholic content. Relapse is in the midst but I won’t let it drag me through the mud…as if I have control over my addiction, we all know I do not. Two, after having convinced myself that I need to be here with this person, which could be an absolute lie that I’ve told myself because I’m tired of looking, Lord knows I am but I keep looking for His direction anyway. Because I’d rather be alone knowing He will bring the right one than be too preoccupied to even attract the correct one. 

I do believe in the right person because I’ve encountered way too many wrong ones. A dream came into my subconscious last night and it stuck on me all day like brown on my skin, like marrow in the bones. Questioning if my time here with the one I’m dating is ill fitted, I really like this one too..honestly it’s more than liking. It’s always different when the relationship involves things that are vertically done in soft places that we lay our heads in. Vulnerable insecurity has snuck into my mind. If honest, I think dating has created more insecurity than confidence. I often wonder if I ever had sureness in myself. I know I’m not stupid though some actions have me questioning the logic, it’s not mathing correctly, I’ve clearly missed a number the data is not computing…or perhaps I look past the signs. 

Either way I’ve felt a little more empty, a little more worn, a little more sad, a little more vacant. Yet, somehow for some reason I’ve stuck next to this person so perhaps that’s for a reason. God will show that reason in due time.