herlucidlife

I’m down for you, wanting to take care of you. Holding capacity in my mind that is larger than any other subject, at peace. Giddy, face warm with affection. Cheeks rosy with infatuation, growing deeper in my heart is it love? An unexpected love, landing in our laps like bouncing babies on their parents’ knees. I accept all of what you are. A good thing fell into my lap from the sky, no one person can check off everything on the list for not even I can match everything on theirs, yet somehow the union is magical still. 

Thinking of you is like falling in love every single minute. Your name tickles my heart like soft kisses on my cheeks. Fear can occur in many different facets, one of mine is thinking a little too much yet somehow my mind shuts off around you. Wrapped up tight, cocooned in the early stages of beginner’s love I’m knowing the feeling will not fade. For it takes no time for me to be head over heels, the feelings last the test of time, scared of losing out on you. I almost muttered something after we hugged in your living room, rushed with emotion. I can’t remember if I shared this story already but the words haven’t left my mind so I must repeat the occurrence. “I love you,” I had to hold it back because my mind was like, “are you crazy? You don’t want to scare him off, it’s just too soon to be feeling this way.” 

Fortunately, it’s not left my consciousness and I must tell you to clear my chest of any lingering pinned up emotion. Funny, God has been putting me through situations where I have to speak up first, where I have to have difficult conversations whether it be good or uncomfortable. I’ve become comfortable with sharing my emotions and feelings because the greatest release is speaking deliberately and intentionally with the tongue. Speaking carefully around you while also sharing every little detail like a faucet pouring out gallons of water. There’s no off switch. 

I want to smoke when around you. I want to lose my mind with you and drift into obscene things. You remind me of my imperfections, shortcomings, and how badly I want to be better for God. Bringing your mirror right to my face, seeing so much of myself in you. I drank something that housed five percent alcohol to scratch the itch I’d been feeling deep in my bones. Going over sixty days closer to seventy, does that one sip mean I relapsed? Something in me says yes but I can’t discount the days before because they mean so much to me I will not throw them away just for one can. I love it here with you, and if you’ll have me I’d like to stay for a long while. 

Funny, God brought me someone after I stopped looking and surrendered what could be to Him only. Bringing someone I needed and not what I thought I wanted, he’s a blessing I’d not seen coming. Words running short, not forcing the course of God’s hand I put everything good thing on the Lord…and my goodness my heart has been overwhelmed with joy.