herlucidlife

Conviction knocking on my heart and mind like a hammer creating contusions on the skull. I didn’t expect to fall in love over a month’s time. Focus switching from self growth to us growth. Let’s be frank I stopped focusing on self growth a while ago. Weary before we met, the product of it is here now. Empty from your absence yet also empty from the space in my relationship with God. It hit hard to hear that my own evil desires took me to physical places quicker then what he wanted. I’m rambling, I’ve been down this road before. Loving someone that doesn’t fully walk the road I do spiritually…it didn’t end well. Or maybe it was me thinking I could find something better…but that lie doesn’t exist. 

I never fully feel satisfied with my person, I’m scared to be fully in love because it will change who I am. I’m happier than I’ve ever been with you. Your cologne hidden in my blankets, they smell heavenly gentle reminders of your presence. Your little body floating through the air of my home, I don’t yearn for much but a simple life with you. Quiet living doesn’t fit your lifestyle or the one you want to live, or maybe I’m just stagnant in mine thus altering my mind to thinking that this is all that life is. Being with you is the most excitement I’ve had in a while. 

You’re different though some things remind me of the most dark times in my life. You and our situation is not a direct replica. I don’t know what the future holds yet I do know that the healthiness of us relies on the health we invest in ourselves as individuals. For two empty people can’t forge a union that is full. I’d stopped pouring in my cup and I can feel the bottom is beginning to dry out. I am the perfect example of a Christian who is raggedy, hardheaded and defiant at times. Funny, these things only make me want to be closer to God. My life is a full proof scene of why I need God every single day. Don’t listen to my rambling. My actions and words never quite match like I want them too when it comes to following Christ. 

The only thing I do is keep trying.