herlucidlife

I wanted to stay longer but something told me to go home. Unsettled in my emotions, I felt even worse driving home wanting to turn around, I kept barreling down the highway anyway. My emotional battery is running on E. Spiritual battery on fumes. I have a habit of stealing my joy away with too many questions and an overactive mind. Consuming my emotions all day, holding back the urge to call or text because clinging too hard can be annoying. I think about you when we’re together, I think about you when we’re apart…it’s a never ending day marathon. I never let myself fall in love or get infatuated out of fear it could end and now I’m here with all these heavy emotions and the future is uncertain…I should’ve known better, falling has never worked in my favor.  

I’d never ask you to stay around because resentment is an ugly beast that rears its face when life is not what you thought it would be or when you choose a road you didn’t want for someone else’s sake. No one has time for things that could be avoided. Sharing my deepest sentiments, don’t worry I know something like that is not even an option. Nor would I want it to be, you deserve everything good, everything luxurious, every blessing. Perhaps some days a part wouldn’t hurt. Lord knows I’ve been too consumed for my own good at this point. Joined at the hip for everyday this week, I’ve never felt this way before so quickly. 

Bizarre, uncharted territory, someone give me an owners manual. You are such an unexpected surprise to my soul. No matter what happens, the time we’ve shared has been so divine and sweet. I couldn’t imagine it being anything better than what it is. Though, somethings aren’t perfect, I’d say the good definitely outweighs the bad. Regretting nothing at all, it’s the happiest I’ve been in a long time. For that I say thank you! I was irritated in the last post, emotional, water caught in the throat but nothing flowed from my eyes. I did good to not bother after I left, pulling tooth and nail. When do you know if affection is too much? 

I say I could take it if you said it was too much but honestly that would hurt my feelings because putting myself out there is not something I do at all. Interacting without you provoking the action is so scary for me. I’m scared you won’t choose me, though I’ve chosen you. You might be drug replacement. Record broken on repeat, nothing is swirling my mind but this. I don’t have to try with you, effortlessly easy. The thing is that once we met I left everything on the shelf…even people. Struggling with picking up healthy habits from the beginning, it was certified. I barely work, drink more than before, smoke with you when available, and simply wanting to sit in the dumps when you’re not around. 

It’s very unhealthy. Drinking by myself when I feel sad only. Funny even together it’s bittersweet because I know it won’t always be like this. Faith, written on my goals list for twenty twenty-three is falling in love, dating that person and having a long healthy relationship. I’d love it if you’re that person, I’m so nervous. Clearly losing my mind, don’t comment on the insanity or perhaps you understand how I’m feeling because sometimes it can feel like it’s only you but it never is. Humanly we are more alike than not.