herlucidlife

Been several years since I’ve been in my right mind, like something is a little off with my thinking and behavior. Maybe that’s a side effect of being too hard on myself, an effect of knowing better but not always doing better. I couldn’t last, I broke and text a small something nothing too much but even reaching out could be too much…right? I really don’t care at this point, I’ve gone too long hiding my emotions from the guy I care about at the chance I get turned down. 

I don’t understand how some people seem to have it all together. I can’t be the only one that’s batshit delusional. When does the mental strain stop? Yesterday was mom’s birthday. I had planned to spend the day alone but as usual the tides had different plans. Going through Bible study about the grief in my heart, revelations are coming into my mind about the behavior sadness has unleashed in my life. I always thought that dating several guys over the course of my lifetime had to do with losing dad very early. The stability mom brought to my life was shaken and in some part I look for that concreteness in men. Assuming settling down will bring the satisfaction I’m looking for, proving wrong through my failed marriage. 

Stability can sometimes look like stagnation if not careful. To settled in my ways, picking and choosing the same kind of guy. I’m no longer upset with the young men I’ve chosen because in most cases a small voice told me to “beware and stay away…” but I didn’t listen. Loving how God can make self sabotage work for my good. Learning the hint, my latest guy houses everything my flesh is interested in. Bursting at the seams with lust of the eye I was brought down by my own desires. The heart has been dark lately, knowing light lives within this body, sometimes I fall off because desires of the flesh can outweigh desires of the Spirit. Different lifestyles, aspirations and details of belief. I could see God giving me a way out when news of your relocation was solidified. 

Not taking the hint before, a heaviness was lifted from my chest when clarification leapt out of our mouths into the air. Going for the gold, moving closer to personal and professional goals…I’m proud of you. Not looking for the same intensity of love and life. Instantly, the view of you changed. So vividly I could hear God’s quiet warning whisper…already skipping regular meetings, morale was low. Needing a good distraction all I needed was temptation to waltz into my life…the day came for me to meet the perfect catalyst to my evil desires. My interest in the desires you house are way too high. Attracting me to you, all I needed was the right amount of attention…something I also crave. 

Craving for a craving, guard down low too focused on one area left another open for attack. Constantly housing the bullets, all the devil does is suggest an item of interest. Essentially I shoot myself in the foot. Been thinking a lot about getting back right. Getting back on the horse to betterment. Breaking toxic cycles, bad decisions and ugly behavior. Not ashamed of relapsing or being human, rather I’m better understanding the person I am while constantly changing.