herlucidlife

One more day to spend with you, it was a dream just one more day…thing about one more is they eventually run out. Finally in another land, far away from my grasp. So many words in my head but the energy to produce is lacking. Slumped, emotions riding the wave of grief. Each event is difficult, especially when some roads were paved with my own hands. Turning thirty this year, considering the habits and patterns of my life. Many of my daily habits mesh well with the person I am while also breeding a healthy lifestyle for the future..while other habits breed separation and death. Routine is solely based on the emotional state I’m in that day, an unhealthy pattern needing to be broken.  

Took a week off to feel the emotions inside. Doing nothing, barely working or showering, some days teeth went unbrushed. Sitting and sleeping on the couch, smoking myself into oblivion. Already, February is here and there is no time to sit idly. It broke me to not have you close anymore. Not at my beck and call when I need, distance will soon be even more felt. Coming to a full week without you, my mind and body have become weary with wallowing. Grief had me in its grasp tightly this week, sitting on my chest. Honestly, I’m beside myself without you. The week felt weird, absent of good mental power. Everyday was a reminder of what it could have looked like had time stood still  a little longer. 

Calls and text don’t fill the void but it does put into perspective the reason I cry. You remind me of the love I long for, the work needing to be done, and the improvement to self that has gone untouched. Reminding me that life is not loving another person carnally but it’s about the will of God and living it out. I’ve allowed my grief to control my life. Decisions, choices all made under the advice of hurt and pain. Never dawned on me that grief happens for me, not just to me…that there’s some lessons in the hurt, some gold in the mud, some grace in the confusion, some life in the death, and every moment there’s God walking with me through the thick. 

Talking to you on the phone has helped me heal a little more, not be so sad and rather focus on the work at hand. So much left to toil over, usually I make myself feel ashamed for feeling grief over a relationship that lasted two months, shifting into a long distance friendship. I don’t want to just be your friend, the only other road is to discard you yet something about not having you in my life seems off. Life may move you further out of the way, kind of hoping that it does. You’re too heavy.