herlucidlife

I don’t want to lose you completely so I stay in your corner playing a role I don’t want. I don’t want my care and love for you to be used as an ego boost. Taken advantage of strung along just to have a fall back plan in the end. Not done scouring the world for lustful objects to fill your needs, material gain for physical satisfaction. Who knows when you’ll be done, I may not be chosen when you get there. Thankfully mentally my brain no longer sees you as a contender but more so a loose end that needs to be taken care of. Mentally and physically my mind has closed the door on you. I almost become shocked when you call because my mind sees you as nonexistent. 

A memory of the past, no reincarnation; these lungs and lips once shared the same air as yours. Don’t look for me when you come into town. I’ve been working really hard at forgetting your face, your body floating through the house, how your caress made my heart feel. I don’t have the strength to tell you these things now, bruises want to keep you close while logic is looking for the exit. Instead I look for healthy habits that will insight change in my heart thus allowing me strength through the Holy Spirit to walk away from you. You’re no longer allowed in my bed, though I still answer when you call…can’t help it or maybe I don’t want to.

Unintentionally took a week off to grieve, to be alone in my space, in my thoughts. Two months of emotional, physical, and mental overstimulation while spiritually starving for longer than that. I needed time to be still, to do nothing. Thinking out loud, speaking into and through my tears, the walls in the house heard and they agreed with my emotions. These painted sheetrock slabs have been a consistent caregiver to my soul. Housing both pain and serenity you hold me close like skin. First month of the year is over, contemplating goals and aspirations all I can think is let God’s will be done. Let me walk in good faith, not growing weary of good doing…I need a transformation.