herlucidlife

If I’m being honest sometimes I feel like a failure. I want the healing but don’t want to work for it, it’s too hard. Not the only one down in the dumps, most people have a boulder attached to their back of things holding them down whether it’s understood or not. Following people on social platforms that follow the same Jesus I do. Conviction hits hard every single time. Rebellion on the tongue for years now, mom kept me in check and now I have to keep myself in check. Why isn’t love for God enough to keep me obedient? I feel like a fake Christian, that person that talks good but outside their life looks like anyone else that doesn’t believe. 

Smoking, drinking, cursing, lustful…I behave like everyone else, fluent in two languages: spiritual and secular. I no longer want to be two faced. Wanting a life filled with good things, yearning for the life God has for me. Can I receive those things while still struggling with everything else? Have you ever had the tools to do better, to feel better, to climb to that next level of life but something in you just kept stagnant? I don’t want to talk about it because logically it makes no sense. Never really receiving the answer I’m looking for I really just want silence. 

Two months of sobriety. A month and a half of relapse. Living life like a television show, innocent bystander with no part to play; except watching my life roll by isn’t fun when the distraction is an illusion headed towards an unfulfilled life and death. I don’t want to be me anymore. I don’t want what this life looks like, I just want the end goal of it but even the next phase of life will not compare to reality…it never does. Reality is not fun, hidden in the details of life are the nuances I’d really rather ignore while imagination is artificially based on only the good things I want to happen. 

First day of barely anything in my system feeling the effects of withdrawals. Can I do this? Yes. Will I restart the journey to better? Yes. Thankfully the road never ended and this was just a detour to remind me of my “why” and to enhance the observation of unhealthy cycles so I can change them daily. I cry because I don’t deserve God, shame and guilt create a barrier between us. Always welcomed back home, God never discards me rather I need to prove to myself that I have what it takes to walk this life with Christ. Almost eight years of the same sabotaging behavior. 

I no longer want to be here in this childish space, doing things backwards looking for praise. Perhaps change only happens when dealing with myself is no longer an option and something has to give…me.