herlucidlife

I’m high key angry. Disappointed. Have your sins ever caused such grief in your heart it kept your mind racing? That you just have to release it, cry and pray to never return to it. On that first day of no substance, sadness sets in thinking only of how I’m going to abstain or re-up. A mental battle ensues until my brain and spirit get on the same wavelength…or I crack. Everyday is a battle getting my flesh to submit to a spirit that is weak because I don’t feed it enough. I keep the spirit alive like a feral cat just enough to make a difference but not enough to incite true change. 

Dry, skin chafing…grief is a mental illness induced by trauma. My actions show I have more faith God will do something “for me” rather than do something “in me.” Tangible acts are easier to have faith in because they have nothing to do with my daily decisions or the character defects I hold. Yet, this chapter of my life needs an overhaul of things “in me” a shifting of behavior and thought processes. I need something vastly different from what I’ve been doing. The key is in me already, God keeps showing me how to use the lock but unfortunately I keep walking away when He’s talking. Rude. 

I treat the men that love me only for my body better than God. My Father, the Lover of my soul…He gets treated like leftovers that are mistaken for rotten but when tasted have the best flavor because my mind keeps Him as an emergency meal when really He is the appetizer, main dish, dessert, and midnight snack at the end. The whole galaxy rests in His hand, cradled on His fingers are the strings of this world moving things to His desire. For He truly knows what’s best. Master, You love me greater than ever, teach me to not think of You as only my Father but a dear companion that I may fall in love with You. 

I’d never purposely offend someone I love, so why are You different? I think about how mom saw every aspect of me, even the smart mouth back talking attitude that most people rarely saw. God gets all of my behaviors raw ugly unfiltered. Perhaps the greatest love is always being myself, not even hiding the parts that would run everyone else away. Comfortable with Father, closer than any being dead or alive…I see now You treasure all of me, naked in front You bearing it all. I’m home, safe, relieved to be here with You. I’m expecting and looking for a miracle this year… something that binds my heart deeper to God’s that only Jesus could find me. Yea…I know a miracle will happen in me. In us.

A revival in the soul for God that will change this deceitful heart white with Jesus’ transformation seeing the steps of the Holy Spirit manifest in my bones. Yea…we gone get there, matter of fact my gut senses a brewing occurring now.