herlucidlife

Usually when I’m with you all I can think about is you. Yet all I thought about this time was how to let you go, thinking what life would feel like without you. Excitement, energy untamed you bring something to me that is familiar yet untouched. Anxious, anxiety ridden over the actions I don’t like having in my life. Purging my life of temptations, that includes you too. About two weeks before your arrival already I can feel the anxiety in my body. 

Sometimes I feel like a sounding gong, just noise not seeing how my actions are cycling. Good with intent. Blinded on the goodness God is doing through me, give some credit to yourself if nothing else for God’s glory. Getting weary of the things I usually turn to fill voids that remain empty. God. Good simple living in the way of Christ, creating everyday what He would have me to. 

I couldn’t wait for your plane to land. Smoking all the green that morning, mind seeing the only thing keeping me above the edge was the anticipation of you in my arms again. Your face felt like home, gazing into the looking glass better than I remembered some of your features had begun to leave my mind. Treating each other well for the next five days, resembling a real life that will never go past several days at a time. I love you. It hurts to be with you sometimes, while other times I’d dare not cross you out of my mind. 

It’s been a while since I’ve written, though you can’t tell because it’s simply the next sentence for you. The space in between each paragraph is life lived. It’s days on the sofa high, it’s words spoken to God through tears that only the walls witnessed. It’s a breakthrough in my mind and the help God promised being sent. The first day without anything in my system is always the same. Stupidly I handle it the same way, yielding the same result…me sitting with my thoughts until I fold and use again for once again another last time. It’s never the last time. My family and friends are aware of my struggles, church family are praying for me. 

Both remain true for me, struggle does not subside because God is in the room. He makes the struggle manageable while not removing it because He’s using it to transform/renew me while receiving the glory in the end. Life is transformative because renewal is greater than removal.