herlucidlife

On the high seas for the past five days, pushing away the hustle and bustle of life. This was the first vacation where I wasn’t yearning to come home. Sadness entered my mind the day I woke up in my own bed…I was lonely. Having not been alone for a considerable time, I forgot how it felt to be without people. People are a distraction, a sense of relief from whatever my mind is obsessed over at the moment. Making sure to make time to spend with God and read the basic text of N.A. It kept me from feeling triggered and allowed me to have a clean vacation free of substance. 

Dancing the night away being fully myself I was not concerned with keeping a fleeting feeling of liquor in the bones. She came to me in a dream as the boat swayed and knocked against the depths of the sea…mommy came to visit me. Once again I was angry at her for something I can’t remember now, yet what I do recall is the unsettled feeling during our encounter and how it lingered after I woke up. Thankful because I wasn’t consumed with grief while away yet somehow my mind managed to cook her up in the most ugly way. 

I resent the anger I hold towards her in my subconscious self. Naturally in my everyday life irritation finds my mind so easily it’s a second language. Anger exists over anything whether big or small, no outbursts but aren’t ugly thoughts just as damaging? Seeing all the happy couples on the cruise, cuddled in lovey-dovey fashion. Immediately I felt lonely in a sea of people, with my friend by my side even she couldn’t take away that feeling. Friendship is valuable yet I let go of most. Romantic love is yearned for yet I seem to choose the wrong people because I choose based on the sins and not the godly attributes. 

Taking a step back from it all, I had no new relationships on the horizon. Space, voids, isolation is my best friend. It’s like pulling teeth, forcing myself to be around people because naturally I like to retreat. Peace, calm, serenity I find alone. Happiness and joy find me in community with others. Laughter keeps me company either way even when I don’t know how to access it. At the leisure of the boat, the hardest decision was choosing where to eat dinner. I forgot that life doesn’t need to be convoluted to be meaningful. Always feeling the need to pack my day with things and activities though beneficial to my life and recovery. 

Sometimes I think…it’s okay to just sit and not think about what’s next.