herlucidlife

Have you ever felt low though nothing was outwardly out of place? Opened the Word and it showed me the characteristics of God. Safe haven when at His feet, I could be anywhere and still feel safe when I speak His name. Holed off in the church working on church things as well as personal things. Sitting in the house too long depletes my energy. Feels good knowing that when I return home I’ve done everything needed to fill my spiritual cup. 

I felt ugly today. Hideous, morale was low. Emotions all over the place I couldn’t even articulate them to God. The thought of mentioning what it could be brought tears to my eyes because I don’t understand myself right now. Overwhelmed, I keep pushing because I’m not the only one. Living life as a regular-ish human is vastly different than operating as an addict in recovery. I take advice like sand through the hourglass, most of it falls to the bottom while only some crumbs are kept. Irritated I pick fights in my head, things I wish I would’ve said but it’s the past so who really cares? Clearly my obsessive mind does. Compulsive because I feel powerless and too weak to stop it.

I want to talk about it…then again I really don’t. Sometimes I believe no one wants to hear me whine about hurt feelings and emotions, yet does it matter what they think when I’m the one being choked? Maybe I shouldn’t be writing right now, I could say something hurtful. Perhaps I’m angry because I haven’t accepted life on God’s terms. Replaying the past like a bad movie. Only the hurtful times get played while the good times are forgotten like a child left on the stoop. To think of good times is to highlight fantasy red colored glasses of active addiction. The past seven years were only happy when I was high, drunk, or both…any sobriety brought the pain I really wanted to forget. Life before that is so far removed my mind doesn’t even attempt to look at it. 

The future is overwhelming so I don’t think about it. Uncertainty and powerlessness leaves the next years seeming out of reach…I close my eyes instead. The present seems to be boring because my mind is fixated on something else. Today, this hour seems to not be enough to hold my mind’s attention or perhaps I’ve taught it to look backwards for sport…because what else is there to do? Reaching out for help is the last thing on my mind when it was hard enough getting through the day. Some folks seemed hurt that I didn’t personally tell them about my struggles. Yet why is it my job to validate our relationship through my personal grief? My life is not an exclusive club, membership is not needed nor am I here to make you feel special because now you know the Tea. 

I’m angry, can you tell? Emotions heavy, I immediately think to block anyone that offends me down to family because at the end of the day the only thing separating you from a stranger is biology. People. It’s not my responsibility to know the heart intent of others, God judges. I only listen to what He tells me and move accordingly. I listen to Him because I’m not a good judge, never was. I taught myself how to not trust me, while He’s teaching me how to trust Him. Stepping lightly, carefully… I care too much when I’d rather not care at all.