herlucidlife

I felt encouraged today. I saw God answering prayers, witnessing the evidence of His Hand. God is working and moving as He is the Owner of my life. I am the employee taking every command and order seriously. God commands, He does not ask me to do anything. “To ask” is giving me the choice to say “no.” When “to command” gives the only option of saying “yes” because “no” would be disobedient and negligent to His will. Let’s get personal for one moment and sit in these feels right quick…come sit with me for a moment please. 

I pray over my new crush, I hope it brings him to me…if the Lord wills it. God brings who I need and not who I want, in some rare occasions the two can be the same. I haven’t seen my church crush in about three Sundays, that’s a long time in my book. Privately sad, looking for him in the daytime with a flashlight, bells and whistle on my shoes to be easily seen. He was nowhere to be found. I secretly look for him, though I know it goes unnoticed. I wait patiently for each Sunday just to see this person for a couple minutes. 

Every time I don’t see him, I think that’s God telling me to shift my focus back to Him. Though I pray he is okay and well because life is a cunning game that moves and shifts at its own course with no consultation from us but God Himself. A little hurt about it, I felt God’s soft nudge saying, “I’m purposely creating space so you will move slow and focus on My will.” When I get excited I tend to run ahead of God and even with the best intentions in my heart…moving before God is disobedient and oftentimes lead me to situations that leave myself and the other bruised. 

Nervous, my mind goes blank around this person. I run away so fast out of fear though next to him is where I’d rather be. Look at me! Sometimes I think I sound crazy, emotionally unstable even for caring and yearning so much. I’ve never been in this boat before…usually this happens after sexual intercourse and before the first real date. I’ve never been good at dating AND glorifying God. Seems the two need some desperate work, I have no choice but to stay focused on God because there’s really nothing else to look at. 

Could I be making myself feel all of these emotions heavier because I fixate so badly? What if it’s the wrong fit? What if it’s not God’s will? Oftentimes I believed someone was the one but they turned out to be the opposite. I don’t trust my emotional scope anymore. I’ll be upset if he’s not simply because I’ve made myself believe for so long that he could be…I feel literally unbalanced mentally and even as I type this a small voice is whispering… “maybe he isn’t the one.”